Dear Grandpa,

Merry Christmas, Grandpa! You have a beautiful family, I hope you know that. I felt you smiling upon us this evening as we threw wrapping paper wads at each other in a fit of laughter. It has been a truly blessed Christmas. I went to Confession yesterday & got all the repulsive Isaac things off my chest at long last, as well as a bunch of other things. I feel so at peace. There is truly nothing better than to be free of my mistakes. I also texted Isaac today ... I haven't checked in a few hours but last I knew he was ignoring me ... That should hurt, Grandpa, but it really doesn't. It just reinforces all the things that have been floating in my head. It gives me closure & that makes me so happy. I went on Facebook tonight & everyone was posting about the things they got & I had been excited to do so as well, but when I saw it, it made me sick. None of it matters, Grandpa, because today my Savior was born. On this night, my sins were taken from me at the sight of the newborn baby Jesus. I feel renewed, I feel so full of the Holy Spirit, because today, none of the presents mattered. My dad is telling my mom the story of how you gave Gran the ring for your engagement ... It makes me smile so widely to know that love like that exists. I've said this before, but I have so many doubts of my finding someone who will actually love me ... I listen to my new favorite boy band One Direction & they sing the sweetest songs, but they end up meaning almost nothing to me because they are all sung either out of lust or in reaction to their sexual encounters. Well ... everyone but Niall ... He's my favorite. He at least believes in waiting until marriage ... See? More glimmers of hope! Well, I really ought to go to bed, but I just wanted to thank you for my family. I would not have them if it were not for you. Also, for being with me everyday. I can feel you again. You are in the little children I stuff animals for, you are in my friends as they help me to feel whole again. You are in the air I breathe, the wind that lifts my hair from my face, the sun that kisses my face, and the music that caresses my soul. Merry Christmas, Grandpa & thank you for this beautiful life I have. Give Grandpa S. that same gratitude & remain with me as I enter this new year. I wish you could have been there to help me fight off uncle Steve in our wrapping paper war, I know you would have been on my side, like you always are. I love you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

"When I was a little girl, on the walls of our house were 2 pictures. One of my parents of their wedding & one of my parents & my brother. Until Anthony was born, those were the pictures on the walls. As if I didn't exist. I've been ignored/forgotten my whole life. I got a cell phone, not for me, but so that my parents could control me even when away from home. The day of my graduation, my mom threw a fit because I ruined her plans. She called me selfish. I had gone to Sarah's house to get something to wear for the graduation because we had a strict dress code & I owned nothing nice to meet it. My parents had told me nothing of their plans. They hadn't even contacted me that whole day until I was at my friend's house. She screamed at me the rest of that day until I left for the ceremony. In one month I become old enough to leave. I plan on it. I don't know where I will be going, but I'm leaving. I am going to buy my own phone with my own internet access so they can have no control over me. They need to feel what it's like to have no power over me. It'll be worse than Francis because I won't be running away, like a child, I'll be rising above them. I've dreamed about this day for 8 years. 8. I've wanted out for 8 years & here I finally am. 29 days. Just 29. I can make it 29 days. Freedom is coming. God is bringing me salvation. After 17 years of emotional neglect, verbal abuse, & manipulation, I am being set free. Nothing will stop me, Grandpa. Nothing."

I wrote that months ago ... It's funny. I'm still at home, still putting up with mom's hissy fits.

Dear Grandpa,

Long time no chat. Tomorrow will be 13 weeks since Isaac & I broke up ... Time flies when you're in Hell right? Sorry, no I'm not in Hell, my life has actually been pretty fantastic for the past few days ... It's just until I have to do my homework or deal with business-y things that I fall into this helpless state. I still miss Isaac, though that's no surprise. I wasn't expecting anything different, to be honest, I was expecting worse. I sit here, Grandpa, & I both love & hate him. I can't help but feel used. I've been talking with my friends & the more we talk about it, the more it seems like Isaac was just physically attracted to me. At some point in our relationship he changed into a pig. It makes my blood boil to think that he did all the things he did with me when he KNEW he was falling out of love with me. You don't just "lose passion" over night. It takes months. He used me. It makes me sick. So I miss the boy he was a year ago. The boy who kissed me behind the curtains while popping his secret drug pop corn. The boy who I could just talk with for hours on end about nothing in particular. The boy who made me believe he was innocent. The boy who made me feel so special & so beautiful. Now he's just another ass hole who just wanted a hot girl on his arm. It just makes my blood boil. Luckily for me, now that he's not in my life, I'm no longer hormonally frustrated. It's pretty hilarious to be honest. I was only hormonal when I was with him ... So I really must thank him for this whole deal. I feel so right again. I felt so sick & disgusting when I felt that way, I even stopped being the most innocent one in my group of friends! ... Well college fixed that one pretty quickly ... Sarah is one active college girl now. She broke up with her boyfriend and already has a new one ... I was/am pretty ticked with her because she broke Martti's heart ... & didn't even feel anything ... Probably because it's exactly what Isaac did to me ... ALSO she only talked to me when she needed advice or a shoulder to cry on ... I even asked her to tell me about her date and she said she'd text when it was over ... I never heard back. GAH! WHY DO PEOPLE CHANGE SO MUCH?!?!? I hardly change at all ... Oh well, guess that's what I get for being consistent ... Well ... Okay, I'm not consistent, but I am who I am, so I am consistently inconsistent ... That sums me up pretty well actually ... ANYWAYS. I HAD been a flirt a few days ago ... 2 different guys too! One is Martti, Sarah's ex & Ian, a boy I've had feelings for off and on for a few years now ... I DON'T KNOW!!! I've already decided that Martti & I will always be friends. Always. I cannot/will not do a long distance relationship. ESPECIALLY across oceans ... I just can't do that ... As for Ian, goodness knows what will come of this. We have a cooking adventure to plan for this break sooo ... What happens will happen. I can't help but feel stuck, Grandpa, because I am so upset with Isaac but ... I love him. Also all this anger is based on speculation so I can't really be that deeply upset with him ... I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT HAPPENED!!! He should have told me. He should have been open & honest with me the second he felt it slipping away ... But he wasn't. He told me he loved me a week before we ended it. I can't really say that he broke up with me, because he didn't have the balls to actually say it. I had to say it. How horrible can you be?!? THAT is a solid argument I have against him. Oh goodness, it's almost 12 & I have finals & final projects & papers to finish ... BUT after tomorrow I am done until February sooo ... Yay? I'm sorry, this had less to do with you & more to do with me but I had to get this out. I write Isaac letters but I just haven't had time recently and I'm sure my friends are sick of hearing me talk about Isaac. It's been 3 months for goodness sake, I shouldn't still have all this pent up anger about it but I rarely ever talk in a day. I cannot wait to get this stuff off my chest & FEEL things again. I feel all alone in this sea of things I have to get done & I haven't even been able to feel you or God in my life for weeks now. I need that to change now or else I will honestly lose my mind. I love you, Grandpa. Please watch over me in the next 24 hours and help me to type quickly & to do well on every task I take on. Thank you for all my blessings as well. I'll talk about those tomorrow. I miss you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Tomorrow it'll be 5 weeks. 5 weeks since Isaac left me. Will it ever get better, Grandpa? Will I ever wake up & not feel like I've been beaten black & blue? I miss him with every breath I breathe. Every time I look in the mirror, I think, why doesn't he love me anymore? I keep finding all the flaws in myself. He's no even happy. That's what makes this the hardest is that he snapped on Shaadiah for no good reason. He should know that I'm not Lizzy. I'm not going to show up at his work on purpose just to bother him, to guilt him or manipulate him. I haven't even dropped off a bottle of Dr. Pepper like I said I would. I wan to but ... what if someone sees me? I couldn't face his parents when we were dating, NOW it's just far too embarrassing & awkward. I want to though. I want to call him, to see him, to hear his velvet voice just one more time. But I know that if I do, it will only be sharp & cold. He is ... Isaac. That's all. Nothing else can explain him. He's a beautiful mess. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. I can't even imagine life without this ache in my chest & this knot in my stomach. I've stopped tearing up, so I guess that's a baby step. Saw Sucker Punch at Target yesterday, I almost bought it ... It was the first movie ever watched with him at his house. I remember being terrified that whole day, worried about what we were going to do, say, everything. What I wouldn't give to go back to that day. Before things got too complicated. But honestly, I'd go back to all of it. & no, this isn't because I want a boyfriend, if I don't have Isaac, I don't want anyone. I should be alone, it's how I work best. I get lost, I forget things, I mess up, I trip, I fall, I ruin things. So it's best that it's just me who has to clean up the mess. I love him so much, Grandpa. I can't remember a time when I didn't, or at least, I can't remember what it feels like. I ... I find myself not able to picture what his face looks like ... If I saw it again, I could find it in a crowd of people, but not in my mind. It's like my mind has put up a barrier for that. I saw features of his face in a guy today ... but once we got closer he looked NOTHING like Isaac ... I'm pathetic. I'm not doing well, Grandpa. So much is going on, I am behind on everything, & all I can do is sit in a corner & pray that I don't curl up into a ball & die. I'm looking forward to the day when I don't think about him first thing in he morning, when I can stop dwelling on the fact that all he did was make empty promises. The time will come, I know it will. Because he's a teenaged boy, how could he have possibly known what he really wanted? I was just the silly girl who believed every line he fed to me, because I thought he'd mean them. I'm sure he meant every word he said in the moment, but he had (as he liked to put it), "OOO SHINY!" syndrome. I was just a pretty girl he'd liked at one point & he liked chasing after more than he actually liked me. I'm used to feeling stronger for a person than they do for me. No, this isn't a pity party either. It's just a reminder to myself what happened, what the truth is so that I don't spend anymore time sitting on these damn couches thinking it over. One day, Grandpa, one day I'll wake up & the pain will go away, & maybe I'll find a guy who knows who he is & what he wants, & that I'm what he wants & he'll do everything to get me, & I'll be ready to let him in. I miss you. Thanks for the warm breezes, they've been a huge help. I love you, Grandpa.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

It's been almost exactly a week since Isaac & I broke up. I ... I sobbed everyday for 5 days & ... then I figured out that if I just keep myself busy, I won't feel it. So that's what I've been doing. Pretending everything is fine. That's the best part of being a commuter freshmen in college. No one knows you. No one can look at your face & know right away that all you want to do is curl up & die. So I can trick the world & myself that I'm going to be fine. I'm working out almost everyday, I'm trying to stop swearing, trying to stop picking my arms & legs until they bleed. I'm going to be a better person for him, even if he never comes back. I'm focused so that if history does repeat itself (which I'm praying will happen) then I will be ready to MAKE it work between he & I again. Because, I'm not angry at him. People fall out of love. I won't deny I thought he meant it when he said he'd want me forever but ... He can't control that. He really can't. All I know is that he lost his passion for us & ... that's about it. Wow, I was able to type that without tearing up ... My distractions must not have worn out yet. Which is good. But I think tomorrow I need to meditate. Because, Grandpa everyday I wake up & I still fill over to find my phone to see if he texted me. When I mumble to myself, I still call him my boyfriend. EVERYTHING reminds him of me. I went to go take care of Abbey's pets & just being in that house reminded me of when I was taking care of Lauren & I stayed up really late just to talk with him. Or when I teased him about how Mittens & Sammy were going to keep me forever ... I make references to movies I watched with him, I say things he says & ... I can't keep pretending. I can't be in denial about it, Grandpa. But I am. Isaac doesn't love me anymore, but I love him still. I'm going to wait for him. Honestly, there is NO ONE else for me. NO ONE. I've tried looking at other boys & all I think is, "I miss Isaac's smile.". A guy tried to talk to me on the bus today, I fell asleep. I'm losing weight & beginning to feel good about myself, but I don't want anyone other than Isaac. I guess this is what happens when you get spoiled ... Nothing else is ever good enough ... You know, he used to tell me we should elope. He made all these plans, for Spring break, for where we were going to live, how many kids we were going to have, & the list goes on & on. But what if he just wanted someone. Not me, but someone. Grandpa, he cried when he & Lizzy broke up. He just didn't even care when we did. Emotionless. That's the hardest part, knowing that he just didn't care. It didn't matter. That & having the feeling that I may never see him again ... It hurts. There, now I'm feeling something. IT HURTS! It hurts so badly, Grandpa & I have no one to lean on. No one. Mom & dad have been fighting again, talking about divorce & all such things & ... I have to be there for Anna & Anthony. Anna called me when I was at a school meeting because she was scared. This isn't right. Well, you know what they say, when it rains it pours. I am glad for one thing. That Isaac got out while he still could. He dodged a bullet a week ago. I don't even care about the promises he made that he never kept. I really don't. Because there were too many times to count that he made plans & I had to cancel. It takes 2 to tango. We just never got into a groove because life would happen. He gave up, & I can't blame him for that. So here we are, seasonal depression looming over my head & once again, in the times that I need someone the most I am alone. But still your presence blows over me in the wind, reminding me that I'm going to be okay. In fact, I've found some pretty great songs as of late.
I don't know anything anymore, Grandpa. Nothing but one single fact. I love him. I have loved him for 4 years. I maybe didn't realize it fully until a few months ago, but I know I did. I just couldn't admit it to myself. So that's what I will carry with me everyday. The same day we broke up, my dad gave me a hand carved frog necklace. His name is Love, to remind me that love is a beautiful. I have no regrets. Isaac still has my heart in his hands, he just doesn't know it ... & neither does my heart yet. But don't worry, I'll feel it when the sun disappears & loses its warmth, when I wish I had someone's hand to hold. Always is such a short time in this situation, Grandpa. But I will pick up his promise & hold it in my hands & prove that I will always love him. It doesn't matter if I find someone else, because Isaac is my first love & you never forget your first love. I will forever hold the memory of being held in his arms, the feeling of coming home at last.
I miss you, Grandpa. Gran said she felt your presence at the Grand Canyon. I'm adding that to the list of dreams I have. To go there & talk with you. I love you. Please give me strength to keep going. Please.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Isaac is going to break up with me tonight. He's been putting it off. I called him about 45 minutes ago & he said he'd call me later. I have our 8 month anniversary present for him right next to me. I feel like vomiting & dying right here, right now. I don't know what I did, I really don't. I want to die. Right now. Just end it all. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. My skin is prickling with ice. How can this be happening? After everything? AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR HIM!!! After all these years ... WHAT HAPPENED?!?!? I can't believe this is happening. My heart is breaking, Grandpa. Shattering. It's my fault. He can never see me because I'm never available ... He deserves someone he can see more often ... But it hurts me. It really does. Because I love him, Grandpa. I love him so much. But in the end. I just want him to be happy. I will thank God for the amazing past 8 months, drop off his t-shirt & his present, & let him go. I thought I'd cried all the tears I had left ... Apparently I didn't. I can't do this. I really can't. I wish he wouldn't make me wait. It's killing me. I can't talk to anyone about it because they all have their own problems & I deserve this. I can't keep waiting for him to call. I can't. Grandpa, send me strength. Hold me. Please. I need someone.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Isaac & I almost broke up. This was a few weeks ago. It happened twice. It's so hard because there are periods of time when I am too busy to see him & he has no chance to see me. I cannot believe how insane this all is. Everything is perfect now, but it was hard. The thing is that he is so willing to give up, so willing to believe that he is not enough for me that he suggests we break up.  It is actually worrying. Because, I love him so very much & ... I'm just scared. Very, very, very scared. Falling in love with him wasn't really in the plan ... I also ... He wants to move to North Dakota to the middle of no where & have 6 children. I want to live on my own for a while in a condo in a nice downtown area like downtown Stillwater. After awhile of being on my own I do want to settle down. I want to have 2 kids, & live in a place rather like my own home right now. Not in the city, but close enough to not be outside of the suburbs. He & I have very few dreams in common ... I have no idea how to feel about this ... I can see myself marrying him, but I can also see myself dating other guys in college ... I don't know. It's too soon to even begin to think like this. All I know is I love him more than anything else in my life. Well ... okay, for my own health my friends are still on top, but he is a close second. I'm tearing up right now because of the unbelievably sweet things he says to me. I cannot even begin to explain how much I love him. Well, I should probably be off to bed. I miss you Grandpa. Send me your guidance, I could use it now more than ever.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

My life is an endless circle of chaos. That's the exact word Isaac said last night to me. He told me that I am chaos. I didn't realize it until just now how much that hurt me. I have stayed up well past the time I should have been asleep to talk with him on the phone. Not only that but he wakes me up every morning by calling me. I love him, I really really do but ... I can't go on like this. I can't be awake as long as he is. I ... I don't want to compare because it's not fair, he & I are two very different people. I just ... I wish that he were easier to love. I miss you so very much. Send me guidance please.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Happy late Father's Day ... I meant to write you but ... well I mean to do a lot of things & they just slip from my grasp. I turned 18 two days ago & I feel different ... This may be a first. I'm realizing that Isaac has no outlet & it's really starting to get on my nerves. He wants a perfect girl & that's not who I am. I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but we are getting more physical, & ... I don't think I like it. I mean, it's not like I'm going to say no, but it makes me feel gross afterwards & ... idk. I love him, I do, but ... I'm more of the short peck, hold hands, cuddle kind of girl & he's ... well he's a teenaged boy. I now understand why most people wait until after college. I'm not sure where our relationship is heading but if it keeps on this course I may have to jump ships ... I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS!!!!!!!! Oh goodness. It's one thing to think it, but to have it in writing ... Goodness. He said we needed to have a "little chat" at 10:30 ... It's now 11:33 & he sends me a passive agressive text, "Good talk we had there." WHAT IS THIS?!?!? I feel like he's not even trying. Expecting me to get up & go to his house while he does nothing to get here. I understand we can't snog as much here, but honestly, THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!!! ... At least, not for me ... Ah well, it's time for me to focus on the one thing that will never change. Me. Okay, that doesn't exactly work as we are all forever changing ... I just need to focus on myself. I am 18 now, I need to get my self together. So, I have a To Do List to write & a world to save. I love you. I have missed you so much in the past 2 months, with me graduating, turning 18, Father's Day, parties, & just life. This is a huge time in my life & I wish I could share it with you. Next week I am doing Summer Blast which is a program in which I lead a group of kids (there are a bunch of these groups) & in the morning, we do community service & in the afternoon we go to a fun place. I did this 6 years ago, & it was a blast so I'm SUPER stoked for this. This week end I'm jumping between work & Girl Scout Camp with Anna, then in 2 weeks we are going to Illinois. I hope to meet some friends out there too. My life is insanely busy right now & I haven't seen any of my friends & I won't be able to see them, not for a while. This isn't how I planned my summer to go ... but it's not a bad thing, just disappointing. & a little sad. I have a life to live & I just need to keep a stiff upper lip & keep going. I love you, give my love to Grandpa S.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I am alone, Grandpa & I feel like I'm drowning. Please be with me. Please.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Why is life so hard? My world has been a vortex since the last time I wrote you ... I feel helpless Grandpa. I haven't seen Isaac in almost 3 weeks now & it's driving me crazy. I need him. I need to hold his hand, see his face, hear his voice. But all I hear is silence & I'm terrified that he's going to leave me. I keep telling myself that if he does, not to mourn it, to be thankful that we had the time we did but ... It'll kill me. I love him. I just SUCK at showing it, especially when I'm such a coward ... I need help Grandpa. I feel like I'm doing all of this on my own & I am so scared & tired. It's enough to make a girl go mad. I mean that. I walk into my house & it doesn't matter what kind of day I've had, all of a sudden I am angry & mean & rude & cruel. It scares me a little & it makes me so upset & ... it's hard to explain. I just need someone to take my yolk upon their shoulders & take me in their arms & hold me. That's all I really want at this point. Just to be taken care of. The craziest part about all of this, is that EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG HAS BEEN GOING WRONG!!! I AM DYING HERE!!! ... Sorry. I'm just ... falling apart. I need someone/something to hold on to. But it feels like there is nothing stable in my life anymore. I've been on the computer waiting for Isaac to get on the computer for 30 minutes now ... He's said nothing. I need him to meet me half way in order for this to work. I have put so much into this relationship. I bought a bus pass so that I can take the bus to him, I drive over there, I text him, I pray for him. I need him. I want him to just show up at my house just to see me, to send me texts just so I know he remembers I exist ... I need people to remind me they still care about me. Great. Isaac just went away. I can't help him if I don't know what's going on. Can you send me a sign, Grandpa? Just to let me know that hope is coming? I'm cold all the time now. I know it's because of Isaac ... I'm a mess. I stayed up late just to talk to him & ... this. I need him. ... No. I don't. I WANT him. But I don't NEED him. I can live without him ...It would just hurt. Damn. I'm crying. I've loved that boy for so long. SO long. Shaadiah tells me I'm not in love with him ... & maybe not, but this is different. I am connected to him in a way I can't explain. All I want is to be with him. That's all. Just to give him one last hug ... Oh goodness. It sounds like we've broken up ... But we haven't. Well, mom wants the computer, so I bid thee good night, Grandpa. Please hold me? I know I won't feel it, but I think deep down I might get some peace. Give Grandpa Saponara a hug & a kiss for me. I miss you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Hey, Grandpa! Life is ... a hot mess. Isaac is wonderful, but I feel a little weird ... 1. I haven't kissed anyone since freshman year. 2. I don't know how to FEEL when kissing. 3. I don't know what to DO. 4. He calls me his favorite person ever & ... I just ... I feel guilty because he's not my favorite yet ... I mean Shaadiah & I have been best friends since Kindergarten ... He's not my favorite guy yet either ... I mean ... I love him. As a friend & as a person but not romantically yet. I am desperately in like with him no doubt. HE IS A BIG WARM TEDDY BEAR!!! What's not to like? He's ... amazing. I know, I use that word all the time but ... GAH! It's how I feel. Mom is an even bigger mess. Dear goodness. I don't worship her, I disapprove of her parenting, she sits on her butt in front of the computer & plays on Facebook. I mean, REALLY?!? So it makes her mad when I don't think she's the most amazing person in the world. She & I will NEVER be able to work together. EVER. We have conflicting opinions on everything. Anyways, we had a falling out on Thursday because I hurt her feelings by posting a status saying, "Wow. It must be a record. A day ruined in a hour. Lucky me." Apparently that's talking all about her & saying how horribly she's ruining my life ... Sorry, I know she's my mom but she really needs to lose the ego. I won't complain about how much I dislike her anymore ... or at least I'll try. Isaac lives so far away ... it's killing me. I still feel cold without him. It's so pathetic, but that's okay because he feels the same. I see him Wednesday. Idk how though ... mom is refusing to pick me up. I'll figure something out. Well WE will. I have come to contact with the fact that when you start dating someone, the rest of the world suddenly wants to be with you. Tristan is quite possibly the greatest guy EVER ... well ... okay ... he is really amusing & we have a boat load of fun. He told me he has a crush on me today. Then a boy named Chaos who is Tristan's best friend & also a very fun but a little more inappropriate person said it was too bad I have a boyfriend. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!? 3 years. I was single for over 3 years & within a few weeks I've had 3 guys confess attraction ... OH yeah there's also a guy named Ian. He asked me out sort of ... he asked if we could hang out & he blushed a lot & my mom was trying to get me to "date" him for awhile. He goes to college at Gustavus. I said we could hang out but I'm going to have to make it clear that I'm seeing someone because I can't lead the guy on. It'd be mean, & I'd feel WAY too awkward. Anthony & Anna are as hell-ish as ever. I'm really looking forward to college. Seriously. But I have a paper to write which shouldn't take too long so ... I should go. Farewell to Logan, & Michael, & Andy. They gave this up. & by this, I mean a Shaadiah rated 8. ;) I thought I was more of a 6-ish but apparently I'm a lot more attractive than I've ever thought ... oops! Isaac is the sweetest, most wonderful guy in the world & I really can't be any happier with him. Of course I go home & wish I were dead ... I'll get passed this. But only with your help. Please keep Isaac & me on track. Oh, another worry ... Isaac dated a college girl ... what if he had sex with her? I hadn't even thought about it until I went bowling with Mikaela on Saturday. Idk how to ask ... Anyways, help me stay on the right path, Grandpa. I need you now more than ever. I love & miss you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Life has gotten a lot better. Isaac & I are dating & I honestly can't remember being happier. I wish you could meet him. He's Catholic & charming & goofy & completely amazing. He's been a huge part of my life for so long & I always ... I was just going through my old journals & he's always in there. I just ... I'm very happy with him. The biggest issue is that he has an ex girlfriend who won't leave him alone. I've been in her shoes, & ... I'm just worried he'll choose her over me. It's making me crabby. He also lives pretty far away & it's hard for us to see each other because he works a lot. I wish he & I could spend more time together, because I really really really like him. I'm in like with him. I probably have been for a very long time. But I was right, if I saw him more often than once a year I'd like him. I really do & it's crazy. I'm sorry I'm so mumbled, I just ... I like him so much. I can't spend enough time with him. I want to be with him all the time. He is so warm. I am always cold, but around him, I am warm. He thinks it's because I'm embarrassed, but it's really because I'm not used to being so warm. I love it. The only problem is that without him, I feel cold all the time & I've been getting chills ... it may be best if we don't see each other too often ... that way I don't become too used to his heat. ;) Goodness I miss him & I saw him on Thursday ... Really grandpa, he is a wonderful person. He cares about me, which is enough. More than enough. I just don't know what to do if he chooses Lizzy (his ex) over me. I can't imagine losing him ... It scares me beyond reason. I'm not used to this grandpa. I haven't dated anyone since Isaac when we tried 3 years ago. He has been my first kiss since Logan also 3 years ago. I haven't let anyone into my life like this ever. My feelings were never this strong for Logan, nor for Michael, or Andy. He has me wrapped around his enormous fingers. I wish you were here to meet him, I know you'd like him. He's a goof just like you. ;) Give Grandpa Saponara a hug for me. Keep watching out for me & please guide Isaac & I's relationship. I miss & love you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I am in a better place today. I have this best friend named Shaadiah. She & I have been best friends since kindergarten & I don't know what I'd do without her. I kept running around in circles in my mind about Isaac & she made me realize that I'm over thinking it all. He doesn't text a lot, that's just who he is. He'd rather talk on the phone, but he can't do that a lot, so that is just how this is going. I know I sound all discombobulated, but that's because I'm listening to an artist & picking out the songs that would make me depressed. I've realized that if I listen to really sad, emotional songs, it makes me feel that way & I'm never a good person to be around when I listen to that, so I have to be careful. Today was a very good day. Shaadiah came over & we spent a lot of time together. The weather is wonderful. I feel so chipper when it's like this. It feels like spring, & it's only January! I know it's bad for the crops but ... I can't help loving it! It's out of my hands. Seasonal depression is such a dangerous thing. especially in Minnesota. Shaadiah is helping me to get out of my head so much. I can't over think things as much as I do, it's just not healthy. Which I know is true because of the way I've been feeling. My hands are always shaking & my stomach is always bubbling & my back has become a wall of knots. I'm on a new medication ... I've been avoiding this one because it has so many side effects. I hate it, especially because I've only taken half a pill & I'm already seeing side effects. It's really quite aggravating. Ugh. I'm also freaking out about the up coming deadline for my application to Creighton. It's the most intense one so far, & I am freaking out. I say a lot of stupid things when I'm nervous, Grandpa, & it's very embarrassing. I mean I have so much on my mind when I'm nervous, & all of a sudden things are rolling off my tongue that I never gave permission to come out. It's disconcerting. If you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to use bigger words, just to make myself appear to be more intelligent than I usually am perceived. I'm not sure it'll work, but it's worth a shot! I wish you were here, Grandpa. I'd be nice to hear you talk about how proud you are of me & to hear your jokes. I met my Great Uncle Louie whom I've been told is the most like you & it makes me even more eager to know you. But I will not be able to until we all meet in Heaven. I hope there is perpetual Springtime there. Always the damp smell of growing & melting. I adore it all. I wonder if Heaven is different for everyone. At times I think I would like that, but I would like there to be a place where everyone can meet & be together in one place. I am looking forward to Heaven, I only hope that I will be worthy of it. Could you help me with that, Grandpa? I miss you a lot & I hope the weather is nice where ever you are. Blow a kiss to Grandpa Saponara for me! I'll be looking for you in the wind & sky.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

It's 2012 & you missed a wonderful Christmas get together. Gran made the best food & there was plenty laughter & conversation. Little Sarah is growing up & the second she saw me, she ran off to make me a card. It made my day. Derek is still a ball of aggressiveness, but he is a boy, so I'm not too troubled, though my hair doesn't enjoy being forced to swing a kindergartner. We had a lot of fun. Isaac has come back into my life as a romantic possibility & for a while I thought he held some promise. I went over to his house & spent 5 & a half hours with him. He is the most intoxicating guy in person, but over text message, he's absolutely pointless. I try not to like him too much but ... I'm having a lot of difficulty. I am just such an emotional being, that I really should be allowed to live. It's dangerous. Life has been a roller coaster since I last wrote. I may or may not have failed some of my classes, Lily is probably going to be put down soon, & I sometimes feel like my life is really trying to make me drown. I told Isaac I liked him New Years Day at midnight. He said he likes me too ... but it feels like he doesn't. Like I said, over text message, he is the worst over text message. I'd visit him everyday if I could, but he is always working & refuses to come over here. I don't know why. Gran's brother Don died New Years Eve. I wish you could be here to help her through it. The wake was today, we went. I didn't look at him, I was waiting for dad to take us all up, but he just took Anthony & Anna. I didn't feel right going up alone, especially when I can't remember the last time I saw him. Gran is a mess right now. We had dinner with her on New Years Day, & it was odd to see her so disoriented. Her nail polish was chipped, she was having trouble remembering everything, & she just seemed to be flustered. The food was delicious as usual. I've had the left overs for 2 nights in a row. It's so good. Great Uncle Don's funeral is tomorrow, & we're all going. I'm not looking forward to it, because I always cry when I see others cry. Anthony is freaking out right now again. It makes me feel like curling up into a ball & crying. I am reaching the end of my tolerance at this point. I need Isaac to be supportive. I need him to take care of me, not send me mixed messages. I want to be held Grandpa. You know what I want? I want to have someone worry about me. I want someone to hold me until I feel safe. I don't feel safe, I feel used. All the time I'm the one listening, I'm the one holding everyone else. I want to be taken care of. But girls like me don't get that. We get pushed to the side & left to do it on my own. None of them get the fact that when I push, I want someone to pull. I want someone to care enough to TRY. But I'm not that girl, & I'm beginning to think I may never be. All I can be is a toy. A stand in for the true love of his life. There is so much more to say, but mom wants the computer back. I wish I could feel you here with me, but during the winter, all I can feel is emptiness. I love & miss you more than I could ever say. Give Great Uncle Don a hug for me, & the same to Grandpa Saponara.
Love,
Me.