Dear Grandpa,

Merry Christmas, Grandpa! You have a beautiful family, I hope you know that. I felt you smiling upon us this evening as we threw wrapping paper wads at each other in a fit of laughter. It has been a truly blessed Christmas. I went to Confession yesterday & got all the repulsive Isaac things off my chest at long last, as well as a bunch of other things. I feel so at peace. There is truly nothing better than to be free of my mistakes. I also texted Isaac today ... I haven't checked in a few hours but last I knew he was ignoring me ... That should hurt, Grandpa, but it really doesn't. It just reinforces all the things that have been floating in my head. It gives me closure & that makes me so happy. I went on Facebook tonight & everyone was posting about the things they got & I had been excited to do so as well, but when I saw it, it made me sick. None of it matters, Grandpa, because today my Savior was born. On this night, my sins were taken from me at the sight of the newborn baby Jesus. I feel renewed, I feel so full of the Holy Spirit, because today, none of the presents mattered. My dad is telling my mom the story of how you gave Gran the ring for your engagement ... It makes me smile so widely to know that love like that exists. I've said this before, but I have so many doubts of my finding someone who will actually love me ... I listen to my new favorite boy band One Direction & they sing the sweetest songs, but they end up meaning almost nothing to me because they are all sung either out of lust or in reaction to their sexual encounters. Well ... everyone but Niall ... He's my favorite. He at least believes in waiting until marriage ... See? More glimmers of hope! Well, I really ought to go to bed, but I just wanted to thank you for my family. I would not have them if it were not for you. Also, for being with me everyday. I can feel you again. You are in the little children I stuff animals for, you are in my friends as they help me to feel whole again. You are in the air I breathe, the wind that lifts my hair from my face, the sun that kisses my face, and the music that caresses my soul. Merry Christmas, Grandpa & thank you for this beautiful life I have. Give Grandpa S. that same gratitude & remain with me as I enter this new year. I wish you could have been there to help me fight off uncle Steve in our wrapping paper war, I know you would have been on my side, like you always are. I love you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

"When I was a little girl, on the walls of our house were 2 pictures. One of my parents of their wedding & one of my parents & my brother. Until Anthony was born, those were the pictures on the walls. As if I didn't exist. I've been ignored/forgotten my whole life. I got a cell phone, not for me, but so that my parents could control me even when away from home. The day of my graduation, my mom threw a fit because I ruined her plans. She called me selfish. I had gone to Sarah's house to get something to wear for the graduation because we had a strict dress code & I owned nothing nice to meet it. My parents had told me nothing of their plans. They hadn't even contacted me that whole day until I was at my friend's house. She screamed at me the rest of that day until I left for the ceremony. In one month I become old enough to leave. I plan on it. I don't know where I will be going, but I'm leaving. I am going to buy my own phone with my own internet access so they can have no control over me. They need to feel what it's like to have no power over me. It'll be worse than Francis because I won't be running away, like a child, I'll be rising above them. I've dreamed about this day for 8 years. 8. I've wanted out for 8 years & here I finally am. 29 days. Just 29. I can make it 29 days. Freedom is coming. God is bringing me salvation. After 17 years of emotional neglect, verbal abuse, & manipulation, I am being set free. Nothing will stop me, Grandpa. Nothing."

I wrote that months ago ... It's funny. I'm still at home, still putting up with mom's hissy fits.

Dear Grandpa,

Long time no chat. Tomorrow will be 13 weeks since Isaac & I broke up ... Time flies when you're in Hell right? Sorry, no I'm not in Hell, my life has actually been pretty fantastic for the past few days ... It's just until I have to do my homework or deal with business-y things that I fall into this helpless state. I still miss Isaac, though that's no surprise. I wasn't expecting anything different, to be honest, I was expecting worse. I sit here, Grandpa, & I both love & hate him. I can't help but feel used. I've been talking with my friends & the more we talk about it, the more it seems like Isaac was just physically attracted to me. At some point in our relationship he changed into a pig. It makes my blood boil to think that he did all the things he did with me when he KNEW he was falling out of love with me. You don't just "lose passion" over night. It takes months. He used me. It makes me sick. So I miss the boy he was a year ago. The boy who kissed me behind the curtains while popping his secret drug pop corn. The boy who I could just talk with for hours on end about nothing in particular. The boy who made me believe he was innocent. The boy who made me feel so special & so beautiful. Now he's just another ass hole who just wanted a hot girl on his arm. It just makes my blood boil. Luckily for me, now that he's not in my life, I'm no longer hormonally frustrated. It's pretty hilarious to be honest. I was only hormonal when I was with him ... So I really must thank him for this whole deal. I feel so right again. I felt so sick & disgusting when I felt that way, I even stopped being the most innocent one in my group of friends! ... Well college fixed that one pretty quickly ... Sarah is one active college girl now. She broke up with her boyfriend and already has a new one ... I was/am pretty ticked with her because she broke Martti's heart ... & didn't even feel anything ... Probably because it's exactly what Isaac did to me ... ALSO she only talked to me when she needed advice or a shoulder to cry on ... I even asked her to tell me about her date and she said she'd text when it was over ... I never heard back. GAH! WHY DO PEOPLE CHANGE SO MUCH?!?!? I hardly change at all ... Oh well, guess that's what I get for being consistent ... Well ... Okay, I'm not consistent, but I am who I am, so I am consistently inconsistent ... That sums me up pretty well actually ... ANYWAYS. I HAD been a flirt a few days ago ... 2 different guys too! One is Martti, Sarah's ex & Ian, a boy I've had feelings for off and on for a few years now ... I DON'T KNOW!!! I've already decided that Martti & I will always be friends. Always. I cannot/will not do a long distance relationship. ESPECIALLY across oceans ... I just can't do that ... As for Ian, goodness knows what will come of this. We have a cooking adventure to plan for this break sooo ... What happens will happen. I can't help but feel stuck, Grandpa, because I am so upset with Isaac but ... I love him. Also all this anger is based on speculation so I can't really be that deeply upset with him ... I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT HAPPENED!!! He should have told me. He should have been open & honest with me the second he felt it slipping away ... But he wasn't. He told me he loved me a week before we ended it. I can't really say that he broke up with me, because he didn't have the balls to actually say it. I had to say it. How horrible can you be?!? THAT is a solid argument I have against him. Oh goodness, it's almost 12 & I have finals & final projects & papers to finish ... BUT after tomorrow I am done until February sooo ... Yay? I'm sorry, this had less to do with you & more to do with me but I had to get this out. I write Isaac letters but I just haven't had time recently and I'm sure my friends are sick of hearing me talk about Isaac. It's been 3 months for goodness sake, I shouldn't still have all this pent up anger about it but I rarely ever talk in a day. I cannot wait to get this stuff off my chest & FEEL things again. I feel all alone in this sea of things I have to get done & I haven't even been able to feel you or God in my life for weeks now. I need that to change now or else I will honestly lose my mind. I love you, Grandpa. Please watch over me in the next 24 hours and help me to type quickly & to do well on every task I take on. Thank you for all my blessings as well. I'll talk about those tomorrow. I miss you.
Love,
Me.