Long time no chat ... Life has been a complete & total mess. I have been a wreck, but let's be honest, since when is that a surprise? I am failing all but one of my classes. It feels so good to get that out grandpa, because I feel like if I tell anyone, I am going to be shamed for being such a failure at life. Which is what I like I am, but I honestly don't need a bunch of people saying it to me when I think it 24/7. Grandpa, I just need help. I need someone to take my hand & sit me down & tell me I can do this & help me. But I don't have anyone because I am so ashamed of myself. That's all I am. Ashamed. I sit here everyday & crawl into my shell & shut down because I am such a failure. I never meant for this to happen ... But it's what happened & I am so so so ashamed of it. Why am I such a mess, Grandpa? When did this happen to me? I broke up with Ian a while ago because I just couldn't do it anymore. He was stressing me out so incredibly it was bad. Sweet, sweet, guy, just not the one for me. It was really hard for me to break up with him ... it took me a whole week to actually build up the courage to do it ... Can you send me a little angel? Someone to give me a sign, someone to help me get through this incredibly horrendous point in my life? I've been diagnosed with O.C.D., Depression, & Anxiety & ever since I heard that I've felt diseased. I never realized how strange everyone finds O.C.D. especially, or how strongly Depression & Anxiety are influencing my life. It's terrifying, Grandpa. But I will be okay. I always have been, & I always will be. I only have one month left of school & I can do this. I know I can. It's going to be extremely hard, but I am going to do it, because that's who I am. I promised that I'd improve myself so that if Isaac ever came back, I'd be able to make it work ... I've failed so miserably it's sad. But now, I've got a plan & I'll be darned if anyone is going to mess it up for me. So I'm going to bed & starting fresh in the morning. I miss you so much, Grandpa. If you could, could you see if the Big Guy upstairs would be willing to let me at least have spring? Please? I love you, Grandpa, help me to stay strong.
Love,
Me.
