Dear Grandpa,

My show is over. I will probably never see him again. It's for the best, but I just ... Really liked him, Grandpa. He's the first person to put Isaac completely out of my mind. How am I supposed to just move past that? I have to, & I will, but I am just ... It's a bit of a roller coaster. Most of the time I'm okay, but something reminds me of him & my heart skips a beat. Vicky said she thinks he likes me which is a feat because A. She hasn't met him. B. She does not want this to go anywhere. I just don't think she's right. I want her to be, but I can't imagine it ever happening. It also shouldn't happen. I adore him, I do, but it would be incredibly stupid to try. So I won't. Well, Grandpa I must go to bed. Please be with me. I'm trying to find my way in this ridiculous world. I need all the help I can get. I miss you. Give a kiss to Aunt & Grandpa S. for me.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I'm scared. I'm lost. I feel like every step I take forward, I fall back 10,000,000 more steps. Any hope I get is quickly trampled on. I know it's my fault. I know I am failing at getting my life together & at being a good person. I have no excuses. Not a one. Grandpa, I am a horrible person. I don't like who I am becoming. I take no responsibility for anything. I am a failure. I could be so much better but I sabotage myself. What can I do? What can I do, Grandpa? Every step I want to take forward I seem to convince myself to not take. Help me. Won't anyone help me? I am drowning & I am too ashamed to ask for help. I am weak. So. Weak. I have a ridiculous crush on a man who is 12 years older than I am. A man who does not share my beliefs. A man who can make me smile for no reason. It's not the worst thing that could happen, but it is torturous to know that nothing will ever happen, nor could it. I am in way over my head on every level. I have no one to blame but myself. God can lead me to the water, but I have to drink. I just have to drink. Why will I not drink? Grandpa, please. I need help. Help me to accept myself & my life. I just want to be okay. That's all I want. Will you help me be okay? I'm in this alone. I miss you. We're going to celebrate Grandpa S.'s 20th Anniversary & we did nothing for yours. I'm sorry. I love you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Aunt died. I haven't had a chance to really let it sink in except for the funeral & wake. They had me sing & it was so hard. There's so much to tell you! I got the apartment, everything has improved since that, Grandpa. Honestly, my headaches have gone down, I'm less stressed out, things are just wonderful. I am currently being paid to act which is amazing. Grandpa, I've never been chosen before anyone else before. I've never been ... I just ... It's overwhelming. Also very humbling to be working with some of these people. It's not as great as being in a musical, but I am going to take what I can get. Still no men in my life, though that's from a complete lack of trying. I am just scared. I've never had a type, I don't know what to do. There're a few guys I've had crushes on but ... they never seem to be the right guy you know? Also the fact that I am waiting until marriage is always a terrifying thing. I'm scared I'll never find anyone because of it. Society has made it so we just expect everyone to do it. But I don't want to. I just don't. I miss you. I miss feeling connected to you. Could you help me find my way again? I'm feeling dispassionate about almost everything. Even God. Which honestly is the part that is scaring me most. I need Him. I need you. I need something, someone to lean on. But I've just been leaning on myself, & that just does not work. Can you watch out for me? Help me out? Lead me to the path I'm supposed to take? Also, if you could send me a nice guy that'd be swell. The depression comes & goes, ebbs & flows. I think it's trying to latch itself to me now that Fall is inching its way here. Help me, Grandpa. I feel so alone right now. I miss you, tell Aunt I say hi. Let her know how missed she is & how grateful I am to her.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

It's been almost half a year since I've written you ... I can't really believe it. So much has happened, so much has changed. I found out Isaac has a girl friend ... & it doesn't hurt, not even a little. Ian also has a girlfriend, however that is so out of relevance to me ... He wanted to tell me before it went on Facebook. He really is such a sweet guy. I'm so glad he found someone. Shaadiah is ... Not my best friend anymore. I still love her, but I have lost every ounce of respect for her. But how do you tell someone that? "Hey I know we've been best friends for 14 years but I'm sick of watching you ruin your life, so I have no respect for you." ... Grandpa, why does life have to be so complicated? I'm moving on with my life now. I've found an amazing apartment & the best roommates, all that's left is to finish applying & be accepted. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I completely forgot to mention! I have a puppy! I am having to give her back for a bit until I can save up the money for the pet deposit. It's going to break my heart. I feel so much better, Grandpa. I've decided I want to be a journalist before I become a teacher. It's something I've always thought about, but I just realized I could do that. I can be whoever & whatever I want to be. It's taken me far too long to realize that. Gran slipped on ice & hit her head a week ago. We think she's okay, but she's got a cold now ... I know dad blames himself. You raised a good son, Grandpa. I guess more recently I realized I'm a daddy's girl. We missed you for Christmas again, although there was no epic wrapping paper war. Honestly, Christmas was painfully awkward. Neither Uncle Steve, nor Gran said more than a few words to me & I could tell everyone was uncomfortable around me ... Which was fun. Luckily the kids wanted to watch movies, so I did. It was awesome. I miss you, Grandpa.
Love,
Me.