Dear Grandpa,

I'm scared. I'm not used to this feeling of complete & utter hopelessness. Maybe it's the snow & the general BLAH that I see when I look outside, or maybe it's the fact that in a week from right now I will be in the hospital & preparing to have my jaw cut & reformed ... what ever it is, it's scaring the bejeebers out of me & I am not appreciating it, especially since I have so much to do. I don't know how to cope with this, you know? & then I can't help but want to escape & then I dig myself an even deeper hole. GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... Life is going to be the death of me. I have no idea what's gotten into me, but my body is on a lock down of some sort & I can't seem to shake it. It's kind of pissing me off to be honest. Ugh I have a test today that I haven't gotten yet & I was gone basically everyday of that Unit which is going to destroy my grade. GAH! Honestly it's ridiculous! I'm over that guy by the way. ;) I have become so very very fickle recently which is both good & bad .... I prided myself in being able to stick with one guy & I'm sure I would if one came along that actually wanted me ... of course those hormones are replaced by depression so ... who knows if it was for the best ... well I know it was because he is 20 & was flirting a lot with another girl in our show so ... yes. I must get back to working like a crazy mo-fo. I love you & miss you.

Love,

Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I'm drowning Grandpa. Honestly, I cannot relax, or think anymore. I lay in bed at night & I can't sleep, then I am spinning. I feel like I'm sitting on a spinner thing & someone just keeps cranking me around & around & I feel so sick. It's like I'm breathing laughing gas, but I (being the opposite of basically everyone else) just feel like vomiting all over the place. I'm scared Grandpa, & I just get more & more afraid. I have dance next period Grandpa, & I know that I'm just going to feel worse when I go there. I keep falling further & further behind & the world just sits there & watches me. Then there's this guy in my show & I am going insane over him. His sister & mom are good friends of mine, & I look at him & I honestly cannot help completely crushing out on him. But he's 20, & he lives in Hudson, Wisconsin & ... I feel like he is never going to notice me or anything & I just want him to kiss me & ... yeah. My hormones are going crazy. I miss you.

Love,

Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Everyone thinks they know what's best for me. They always have advice for me, telling me how I should live my life. I love to hear what they have to say when I'm not sure what to do, but when I know what I want, I'm not going to listen. Sorry Grandpa, I just really needed to say that. Boys suck. They play with your heart & your mind & just when you let them in, they kick the shit out of you. Were you like that? Did you have too many problems to exist? I wish Alex would do something. I wish I didn't sit here pretending that a guy likes me when he really doesn't. But I know Alex won't do anything before the end of the show & I'll probably never see him again & ... yeah. I wish he would just grab me & hold me. I wish someone would hold me. I'm sorry Grandpa, you probably don't want to hear about all my crazy hormones, but ... My other blog is too public now & I just need someone to talk to. Someone who isn't going to lie to me or even say anything at all. Although I'd much rather have you here to actually talk to. I think I may shut off my phone & not go on Facebook all weekend just to meditate on life & relationships & such. Goodness I think I could really like Alex. He's a guy in my show ... He's 20 but ... He's wonderful. I'm not even sure how, but he is. Oh hormones. I hope you've met Bernie. She died last weekend. I couldn't go to the funeral. It's rather sad, but it really doesn't feel real to me. Most things don't feel real to me right now. I'm so tired & dead feeling. I just know that after 2.5 years of being single, I want a boyfriend. I want someone to care & make me feel special. But I have been this way for so long, I doubt it's going to change anytime soon. Oh well. Take care of me Grandpa. I miss you more than I can even imagine.
Love,
Me.