Dear Grandpa,

Hi. It's been a while & quite a lot has been going on. My life is a mess. I had surgery & now it's finals week & I'm going to die. Okay I'm exaggerating, but you know what I mean. Life is insane. I'm just really not sure what to do about anything anymore. I feel like my world is spinning out of control but of course you already know that ... Isaac came back ... again. & disappeared just as quickly ... again. You know, it's really really really bothersome to know that guys just come running to me & when they're done with having someone to talk to, they run away. UGH! He texts my mom, & my best friend, & leads me on, then just stops. I don't know if I can handle this right now. He's driving me insane. But I have a wonderful family. They are my life & I'm going to be all right. I wish you could be here for Christmas. I miss you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I'm scared. I'm not used to this feeling of complete & utter hopelessness. Maybe it's the snow & the general BLAH that I see when I look outside, or maybe it's the fact that in a week from right now I will be in the hospital & preparing to have my jaw cut & reformed ... what ever it is, it's scaring the bejeebers out of me & I am not appreciating it, especially since I have so much to do. I don't know how to cope with this, you know? & then I can't help but want to escape & then I dig myself an even deeper hole. GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... Life is going to be the death of me. I have no idea what's gotten into me, but my body is on a lock down of some sort & I can't seem to shake it. It's kind of pissing me off to be honest. Ugh I have a test today that I haven't gotten yet & I was gone basically everyday of that Unit which is going to destroy my grade. GAH! Honestly it's ridiculous! I'm over that guy by the way. ;) I have become so very very fickle recently which is both good & bad .... I prided myself in being able to stick with one guy & I'm sure I would if one came along that actually wanted me ... of course those hormones are replaced by depression so ... who knows if it was for the best ... well I know it was because he is 20 & was flirting a lot with another girl in our show so ... yes. I must get back to working like a crazy mo-fo. I love you & miss you.

Love,

Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I'm drowning Grandpa. Honestly, I cannot relax, or think anymore. I lay in bed at night & I can't sleep, then I am spinning. I feel like I'm sitting on a spinner thing & someone just keeps cranking me around & around & I feel so sick. It's like I'm breathing laughing gas, but I (being the opposite of basically everyone else) just feel like vomiting all over the place. I'm scared Grandpa, & I just get more & more afraid. I have dance next period Grandpa, & I know that I'm just going to feel worse when I go there. I keep falling further & further behind & the world just sits there & watches me. Then there's this guy in my show & I am going insane over him. His sister & mom are good friends of mine, & I look at him & I honestly cannot help completely crushing out on him. But he's 20, & he lives in Hudson, Wisconsin & ... I feel like he is never going to notice me or anything & I just want him to kiss me & ... yeah. My hormones are going crazy. I miss you.

Love,

Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Everyone thinks they know what's best for me. They always have advice for me, telling me how I should live my life. I love to hear what they have to say when I'm not sure what to do, but when I know what I want, I'm not going to listen. Sorry Grandpa, I just really needed to say that. Boys suck. They play with your heart & your mind & just when you let them in, they kick the shit out of you. Were you like that? Did you have too many problems to exist? I wish Alex would do something. I wish I didn't sit here pretending that a guy likes me when he really doesn't. But I know Alex won't do anything before the end of the show & I'll probably never see him again & ... yeah. I wish he would just grab me & hold me. I wish someone would hold me. I'm sorry Grandpa, you probably don't want to hear about all my crazy hormones, but ... My other blog is too public now & I just need someone to talk to. Someone who isn't going to lie to me or even say anything at all. Although I'd much rather have you here to actually talk to. I think I may shut off my phone & not go on Facebook all weekend just to meditate on life & relationships & such. Goodness I think I could really like Alex. He's a guy in my show ... He's 20 but ... He's wonderful. I'm not even sure how, but he is. Oh hormones. I hope you've met Bernie. She died last weekend. I couldn't go to the funeral. It's rather sad, but it really doesn't feel real to me. Most things don't feel real to me right now. I'm so tired & dead feeling. I just know that after 2.5 years of being single, I want a boyfriend. I want someone to care & make me feel special. But I have been this way for so long, I doubt it's going to change anytime soon. Oh well. Take care of me Grandpa. I miss you more than I can even imagine.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

"Life is the messy bits." What a brilliant quote. How perfectly it fits everything into a nice little bow. I'm drowning Grandpa, & all I want is for you to bring me up to heaven with you so that I can have an end to the pain & stress & messiness of it all. I wish you were here to joke around & distract me from the ridiculous life I am living right now. I feel so ugly & stupid all the time & no one is giving me any encouragement that MEANS anything to me. Ugh. What's it like Grandpa, to be done with all of this & to watch from the other side? Is it peaceful, or sorrowful? Do you ever wish you could trade places with someone, or want to come back to share moments with us? Is it like watching animals at the zoo? My head is spinning. I can't see straight & it's terrifying. I have never felt this out of control with my life. Never. It's as if I am not awake, like my world has been tipped upside down & my body refuses to flip as well. I want to die. I wouldn't kill myself, but I'd like to get cancer, or a tumor & to have a doctor look at me & say I only have a month to live. Me instead of someone else, instead of the girl who has never been to prom, or a woman who has 5 children who need her. No one needs me. There is nothing that I feel like I'd miss. I go to rehearsal & I feel like a million bucks, but I leave & it all falls to shit again & I'm so sick of it. I am in so much pain all the time & there's nothing I or anyone else can do. I go to the emergency room & what they do there doesn't even help. There's only so much a friend can do for me, until they too hit a wall & it's up to me. But what can I do? I've tried being healthy, sleeping often, eating right, working out, taking care of myself but it doesn't help. It doesn't do anything but make me want to give up hope. I can't afford to be like this. I can't. I don't have the time, I don't have enough left in me to do anything else but curl up & wait to die. I'm only 17 Grandpa, why is this happening to me? I feel so guilty because there are people who are suffering even more, who know that they only have a few weeks left to live, & they're trying to live it to the fullest, & I have my whole life ahead of me. But at least they know what's wrong, at least they know that at some point this is all going to end. I just want ... I don't know what I want, but I want something. Sorry for being such a downer Grandpa. I wish you were here.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Today was the big family get together & I guess I just couldn't stop thinking about how much you should be here. I teased Steve about his grey hair & I imagined you reproaching me about making fun of older men. I wish you were here. I want a grandpa & it's just really hard to think that I never got to have one. It's not your fault & it's not my fault. It was your time to go & I can respect that ... I just wish I could have gotten to know you. Everyone is always so sad that their grandpas have died but ... they're the lucky ones. At least they got to have the experience of having a grandpa. Mom wants the computer so I should probably go. Thanks for being an ear. I can't post on my other blog because a friend of mine reads them & gets super offended so ... yeah. I miss you a lot.
Love,

Me

Dear Grandpa,

Hey I've only got a little time, but I want to say hi & that I miss you so so so much. It's times like this when I think a little old man wisdom would do wonders for me but ... I don't have any wonderful old men to give me any advice. I still like Andy. A lot Grandpa & it really stinks because he hates my guts. All I want to do is run up to him & tell him everything & apologize but ... I don't think he even cares about me ... or even if he ever did ... Also Isaac is EXTREMELY attractive now & I could really see myself fall for him ... if I saw him more often, but I only see him once a year so ... yeah. My heart is half aching half brimming with happiness & it's the oddest feeling in the world. I just wish I knew what to do or what to say. I wish I weren't so afraid of being shut down. I could use a little sign from you telling me I'm going to be okay. I could use some lovin'. ;) I miss you & love you so much. Please give my other grandpa a huge hug from me.

Love,

Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Did you ever ask them to do too much? Of any of your children, was there only one you asked to do everything? Because I am that kid Grandpa, & it sucks. If I say anything about it, mom gets angry with me & loses her cookies & yells/screams at me. What am I supposed to do Grandpa? Just do whatever she says? She is forcing me to get a full time job saying that then I'll never be at home for her to ask me to do stuff. Am I not supposed to be at home Grandpa? Am I supposed to work my whole summer away just so that I can no longer be a financial burden for her? It hurts Grandpa. It hurts more than I can say. She's always pushing me too hard. I wish she'd just ask me to do it & let me take it at my own speed you know? I'm 16 Grandpa. Not 20. My older brother didn't have to get a job until he was 17, almost 18. She plays favorites. It makes me so angry. Even the cat is above us. The cat can destroy the furniture, but she will sit there fawning over it until the day has disappeared. She's done this for a long time but ... I don't know, I do my best but it's still never enough. Grandpa, I'm afraid of growing up & I guess most people just think I'm kidding when I say I want to be Peter Pan ... but I'm serious. I'm so scared. Keep watch over me Grandpa, I miss you.

Love,

Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I'm your grand daughter. I'm 16 right now, but I turn 17 really soon. I am medium height, I have dirty blond hair, eyes that change color, & I'm just an all around medium person. Today is May 20th, 2011. The weather outside is rainy & sad, which means my mood is rainy & sad. I have S.A.D.S. or seasonal depression. Right now, I'm suicidal. I told your son, my dad, but he really didn't seem to care all that much. All he cares about is respect & pride. I know you love him & probably don't like hearing me say this about your son & I'm sorry. I've heard you probably weren't the best dad ever, but who ever really is? I miss you. Every time I think about you a lump comes to my throat. You died 5 months before I was born. Is it weird that I blame myself? I always end up feeling horrible that I was born at that time. People don't understand me, & I have a feeling you would've. I have lots of friends but ... they don't get me. They don't understand that when I like someone, I like them a lot & if they encourage me, I'll just like that person even more. They don't get that I need my space. They don't get that I always feel like half the world is turning & I feel like I'm going to fall over or faint. They don't get I live in a homicidal roller coaster family, or that I'm happiest in my head. They just don't get it. But from the great stories I've heard about you, I just can tell that if you were still alive, you'd get it. I know that you must have had your flaws, I have many. I don't care. I need someone to believe in. Some human that isn't messy or complicated, someone who would just sit & listen to me talk while patting my hand or stroking my hair, someone who would have made me go insane if they touched me. You may not be a hero, but you created a great (but flawed) family. I miss you. I'll write again soon.

Love,

Me.