Dear Grandpa,

It's been over a month ... & I am better than I was. Between you, me & a few of my friends, I never went to class ... or almost never. Grandpa, I would go to campus, stand outside the buildings, but I couldn't make myself go inside. I wanted to be better, I wanted to be amazing ... But I wasn't. Now I will be. I'm seriously considering taking a semester off to get myself together because though I feel a lot better, I'm still not here. The girl I used to be is starting to resurface, but it's going to take a while. I will do everything in my power to get better, Grandpa. I don't want to be that girl who lets life pass her by. I miss Isaac. So much. With every breath. Sometimes, I can convince myself that I don't care anymore but ... it'll always be there. How horrible am I?! I dated another guy & it's as if that never happened ... I feel awful ... I guess that is how it goes. I love this world. It just likes to kick me when I'm down. I am employee of the month again! I cannot begin to tell you how honored I am that they have chosen me again. Without my job, I may have killed myself. That's frightening to say. Nope, terrifying. I don't know why. I have no idea what has happened to me over the past year but it's been the worst. I will get better. I have been to Valley Fair twice. Ridden all but one ride that terrifies me. I have made a promise to my best friend that I will ride Riptide before the end of summer. It lifts you up into the air way way WAY up high & you're only in a harness & dropped. I am going to die. But it's so very exciting. I am amazing, Grandpa. I just have to get myself to really believe that.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I want to die. I want death to find me & eat me alive. I can't do it myself, I just can't, but I want it so badly. Grandpa, they all let me lie. My best friends don't even see me. I am failing everything. I have nothing & I am nothing. It's not even just about Isaac anymore. I love him. I always will. My heart will forever be slowly ripping because he's gone. That's just something I have to live with. I can't feel anything real other than pain. I will never be okay again. That's how I feel. My parents can't even see my pain. They only see the surface. That's all people ever see. The surface. There is an ocean of pain here. It's all I have. I can't wake up in the morning. It's not even a choice. I just don't wake up. I don't believe in anything anymore, Grandpa. Not God, not you. Definitely not myself. No one should believe in me. I don't exist. I am a shadow. That's all I am. I just want to die. It's my only wish. The only thing I want anymore. To sleep & never wake up. All my troubles would go away.
Love,
-Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Long time no chat ... Life has been a complete & total mess. I have been a wreck, but let's be honest, since when is that a surprise? I am failing all but one of my classes. It feels so good to get that out grandpa, because I feel like if I tell anyone, I am going to be shamed for being such a failure at life. Which is what I like I am, but I honestly don't need a bunch of people saying it to me when I think it 24/7. Grandpa, I just need help. I need someone to take my hand & sit me down & tell me I can do this & help me. But I don't have anyone because I am so ashamed of myself. That's all I am. Ashamed. I sit here everyday & crawl into my shell & shut down because I am such a failure. I never meant for this to happen ... But it's what happened & I am so so so ashamed of it. Why am I such a mess, Grandpa? When did this happen to me? I broke up with Ian a while ago because I just couldn't do it anymore. He was stressing me out so incredibly it was bad. Sweet, sweet, guy, just not the one for me. It was really hard for me to break up with him ... it took me a whole week to actually build up the courage to do it ... Can you send me a little angel? Someone to give me a sign, someone to help me get through this incredibly horrendous point in my life? I've been diagnosed with O.C.D., Depression, & Anxiety & ever since I heard that I've felt diseased. I never realized how strange everyone finds O.C.D. especially, or how strongly Depression & Anxiety are influencing my life. It's terrifying, Grandpa. But I will be okay. I always have been, & I always will be. I only have one month left of school & I can do this. I know I can. It's going to be extremely hard, but I am going to do it, because that's who I am. I promised that I'd improve myself so that if Isaac ever came back, I'd be able to make it work ... I've failed so miserably it's sad. But now, I've got a plan & I'll be darned if anyone is going to mess it up for me. So I'm going to bed & starting fresh in the morning. I miss you so much, Grandpa. If you could, could you see if the Big Guy upstairs would be willing to let me at least have spring? Please? I love you, Grandpa, help me to stay strong.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I'm dating again ... I cannot begin to express how terrified I am ... I guess the biggest thing is I'm afraid of hurting him. His name is Ian. He is one of the most talented instrumentalists I know, he plays the saxophone. I've had a crush on him since middle school ... But of course then I met Isaac & the rest is history. It's almost been a year since Isaac & I had started dating ... making it 4 months since we broke up ... I miss him, Grandpa. I love him so damn much it kills me. It's easy to be mad, & I still am, but underneath all this anger is the love I still have for him, the love I'm afraid I'll ALWAYS have. I've been close to tears all day about him. & that's why I'm worried about Ian. Because I like Ian, of course I do or I wouldn't be dating him, but I'm just not ready for a relationship. On our last date-ish thing, he kissed me ... Then & there I knew it was too soon for that. He knows but ... I'm scared he's falling for me & I'm ... well, you have to be up in order to fall & I'm still on my knees. I can still feel the way I felt for Isaac, our first kiss, so innocent, so surprising, so adorable. I still remember sitting with him on his couch just talking & laughing. What if I can't have that with Ian? Goodness now I'm crying ... Okay, just a moment of madness. Why can't it be spring, Grandpa? Why can't it be warm & bright? I want to put on my dresses & run about & soak up the sun's rays. I want to go biking, I want to run, I want to just write how I feel with my chalks on the pavement. I want to feel GOOD about myself again. I'm failing all of my New Year's Resolutions & I feel like I'm just another delusional human who makes goals & never meets them. Grandpa, give me strength. I am such a wreck. GAH!!! I love you, Grandpa. The anniversary of your death is coming soon & I cannot wait to visit your grave. I cannot wait to pray with you, & to leave you flowers. I love you, Grandpa.
Love,
-Me.

Dear Grandpa,

It's a new year, there's a new boy, I said skip the old boy, & I feel great. I spent today with your family again & it was beautiful. Wonderful food, fantastic company, & despite the ridiculous arguing done by my parents, it has been a good start to my new year ... I just hope I can keep my resolutions. I think it's sad that people have decided to give up on making resolutions, it's not about keeping them, it's about challenging yourself to keep them, to strive for a better you. I really must go to bed, tomorrow is going to be another long one, but I wanted to wish you a happy New Year & tell you that I love & miss you. I hope to post again soon!
Love,
Me.