Dear Grandpa,

Tomorrow it'll be 5 weeks. 5 weeks since Isaac left me. Will it ever get better, Grandpa? Will I ever wake up & not feel like I've been beaten black & blue? I miss him with every breath I breathe. Every time I look in the mirror, I think, why doesn't he love me anymore? I keep finding all the flaws in myself. He's no even happy. That's what makes this the hardest is that he snapped on Shaadiah for no good reason. He should know that I'm not Lizzy. I'm not going to show up at his work on purpose just to bother him, to guilt him or manipulate him. I haven't even dropped off a bottle of Dr. Pepper like I said I would. I wan to but ... what if someone sees me? I couldn't face his parents when we were dating, NOW it's just far too embarrassing & awkward. I want to though. I want to call him, to see him, to hear his velvet voice just one more time. But I know that if I do, it will only be sharp & cold. He is ... Isaac. That's all. Nothing else can explain him. He's a beautiful mess. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. I can't even imagine life without this ache in my chest & this knot in my stomach. I've stopped tearing up, so I guess that's a baby step. Saw Sucker Punch at Target yesterday, I almost bought it ... It was the first movie ever watched with him at his house. I remember being terrified that whole day, worried about what we were going to do, say, everything. What I wouldn't give to go back to that day. Before things got too complicated. But honestly, I'd go back to all of it. & no, this isn't because I want a boyfriend, if I don't have Isaac, I don't want anyone. I should be alone, it's how I work best. I get lost, I forget things, I mess up, I trip, I fall, I ruin things. So it's best that it's just me who has to clean up the mess. I love him so much, Grandpa. I can't remember a time when I didn't, or at least, I can't remember what it feels like. I ... I find myself not able to picture what his face looks like ... If I saw it again, I could find it in a crowd of people, but not in my mind. It's like my mind has put up a barrier for that. I saw features of his face in a guy today ... but once we got closer he looked NOTHING like Isaac ... I'm pathetic. I'm not doing well, Grandpa. So much is going on, I am behind on everything, & all I can do is sit in a corner & pray that I don't curl up into a ball & die. I'm looking forward to the day when I don't think about him first thing in he morning, when I can stop dwelling on the fact that all he did was make empty promises. The time will come, I know it will. Because he's a teenaged boy, how could he have possibly known what he really wanted? I was just the silly girl who believed every line he fed to me, because I thought he'd mean them. I'm sure he meant every word he said in the moment, but he had (as he liked to put it), "OOO SHINY!" syndrome. I was just a pretty girl he'd liked at one point & he liked chasing after more than he actually liked me. I'm used to feeling stronger for a person than they do for me. No, this isn't a pity party either. It's just a reminder to myself what happened, what the truth is so that I don't spend anymore time sitting on these damn couches thinking it over. One day, Grandpa, one day I'll wake up & the pain will go away, & maybe I'll find a guy who knows who he is & what he wants, & that I'm what he wants & he'll do everything to get me, & I'll be ready to let him in. I miss you. Thanks for the warm breezes, they've been a huge help. I love you, Grandpa.
Love,
Me.