Dear Grandpa,

I wrote my good byes to my roommates tonight. I'm in a very dark place, Grandpa & I don't know what to do. I honest to goodness wish I were dead. I wish I could just disappear into the fabric of time & be forgotten. No one would miss me. Part of me feels as though I'd like to make someone mourn my loss, but most of me knows that no one would miss me. Not really. They'd miss the theory of me. I don't bring anything to the table. I'm not clever, I'm not pretty, I'm not supportive, I'm not rich, I'm not anything. I am worthless. Nothing I do will ever change who I really am. I've tried. & I've tried & I've tried some more but every step ahead I take ends up dumping me 15 steps behind. I'm so tired of being the last one people think of. I'm so tired of fighting to be heard. I'm so tired of existing. It's so fucking exhausting, Grandpa. I just constantly let everyone down. Time & time again I am the thorn in each & every person's side. I say the wrong things, I am not supportive enough. I never know what to do or how to act. I'm constantly fucking up everything & I just can't keep doing it. I just can't. I wish I could. I wish I could believe in a better tomorrow but I can't. I've been working for a better tomorrow for the past 5 years & I'm in the EXACT SAME PLACE. I haven't moved, not one inch. I haven't grown, I haven't changed, I haven't learned. I am stagnant. So, why bother continuing this cycle? Why not break it the only way that works? He doesn't love me, Grandpa. & I know you're shouting, "There's someone else out there for you! He's just some boy!" But Grandpa, I am not good enough for someone else. I don't WANT anyone else. I want him. I love him. It's driving me insane. He's going to die, Grandpa. He's going to die & he has cut me out of his life & there is nothing I can do. Not a damn thing. I can't reach out, because he needs space, but I can't just sit here because I'll go insane. So why not just disappear? Why not just buck up & leave this planet behind me? I've already written the letters. Except his. Because what could I possibly say? I love you? 1,000,000 times? I'm sorry, please don't blame yourself, life without you just wasn't worth it? Maybe if I had LITERALLY ANYTHING going for me I would have been able to fight, but it's all gone now? I have nothing to fight for. My roommates don't want or need me, my family doesn't respect me, & the man I love is chasing after another girl. The girl who breaks him the exact same way he breaks me. I have nothing to fight for, Grandpa. I just want the silence. I just want the end. I just wish I had the balls to fucking do it. I have no faith, I have no strength, I have nothing. I am filth. I am hollow. I am nothing.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Life is hard, isn't it. Just when you think you're getting ahead, someone tries to push you back down. Grandpa, I'm done letting people push me down. I'm done allowing myself to be the punching bag. I keep putting myself in these terrible situations & it's just ... it's disappointing. I don't think I hate myself as much as I am disappointed in myself. I know better. Every time I do something stupid, I KNOW I'm doing it. I think to myself, "You're going to regret this!" & I still do it. I set myself up for failure. Instead of ordering a salad, I get fries. Instead of buying fruit to snack on, I buy candy. Instead of working out for 30 minutes, I watch T.V. for 3 hours. I know better, but I think I'm just afraid to fail. If I don't try, I won't fail, but that's not the truth. That's not the way the world works. I will keep gaining weight & keep failing myself. But not anymore. I refuse to allow myself to continue this destructive lifestyle. I am better than this. I am better than my mother. I am better than Isaac. I will not fall victim to myself. I will not. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, but Grandpa the world is my oyster!!! I can do ANYTHING I want! ANYTHING!!! I'm up for a promotion for a job I haven't even started yet! I have people who will help me strive for excellence! All I ask is that you help me along the way. Give me the strength to keep going even when I want to give up. Please. I need you. I love & miss you. Tell Aunt I say hi & that I miss her with every breath.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

The self loathing is back. Grandpa, I just sit here & I HATE myself. I hate the weight I've gained, I hate that I can't seem to do ANYTHING about it. I hate my fear, I hate my work performance, I hate me. I just HATE MYSELF. Did you ever feel that way? Like you could never do anything right? I just want to be a good person. I just want to balance work & school & exercise & food & faith & all of that. I just want to be amazing. I want to emerge from the wreckage that is my life & be this transformed amazing person. It's all I've ever wanted. I WANT THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE! But I can't help myself, & thus no one can. Even God can't help me if I can't find it in myself to even feel him. I don't even feel YOU. I don't feel anything. Can you imagine how terrifying it is to feel nothing but hatred for yourself. It's all I do, Grandpa. All I do. This CANNOT be healthy. Send help, please.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

My show is over. I will probably never see him again. It's for the best, but I just ... Really liked him, Grandpa. He's the first person to put Isaac completely out of my mind. How am I supposed to just move past that? I have to, & I will, but I am just ... It's a bit of a roller coaster. Most of the time I'm okay, but something reminds me of him & my heart skips a beat. Vicky said she thinks he likes me which is a feat because A. She hasn't met him. B. She does not want this to go anywhere. I just don't think she's right. I want her to be, but I can't imagine it ever happening. It also shouldn't happen. I adore him, I do, but it would be incredibly stupid to try. So I won't. Well, Grandpa I must go to bed. Please be with me. I'm trying to find my way in this ridiculous world. I need all the help I can get. I miss you. Give a kiss to Aunt & Grandpa S. for me.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I'm scared. I'm lost. I feel like every step I take forward, I fall back 10,000,000 more steps. Any hope I get is quickly trampled on. I know it's my fault. I know I am failing at getting my life together & at being a good person. I have no excuses. Not a one. Grandpa, I am a horrible person. I don't like who I am becoming. I take no responsibility for anything. I am a failure. I could be so much better but I sabotage myself. What can I do? What can I do, Grandpa? Every step I want to take forward I seem to convince myself to not take. Help me. Won't anyone help me? I am drowning & I am too ashamed to ask for help. I am weak. So. Weak. I have a ridiculous crush on a man who is 12 years older than I am. A man who does not share my beliefs. A man who can make me smile for no reason. It's not the worst thing that could happen, but it is torturous to know that nothing will ever happen, nor could it. I am in way over my head on every level. I have no one to blame but myself. God can lead me to the water, but I have to drink. I just have to drink. Why will I not drink? Grandpa, please. I need help. Help me to accept myself & my life. I just want to be okay. That's all I want. Will you help me be okay? I'm in this alone. I miss you. We're going to celebrate Grandpa S.'s 20th Anniversary & we did nothing for yours. I'm sorry. I love you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

Aunt died. I haven't had a chance to really let it sink in except for the funeral & wake. They had me sing & it was so hard. There's so much to tell you! I got the apartment, everything has improved since that, Grandpa. Honestly, my headaches have gone down, I'm less stressed out, things are just wonderful. I am currently being paid to act which is amazing. Grandpa, I've never been chosen before anyone else before. I've never been ... I just ... It's overwhelming. Also very humbling to be working with some of these people. It's not as great as being in a musical, but I am going to take what I can get. Still no men in my life, though that's from a complete lack of trying. I am just scared. I've never had a type, I don't know what to do. There're a few guys I've had crushes on but ... they never seem to be the right guy you know? Also the fact that I am waiting until marriage is always a terrifying thing. I'm scared I'll never find anyone because of it. Society has made it so we just expect everyone to do it. But I don't want to. I just don't. I miss you. I miss feeling connected to you. Could you help me find my way again? I'm feeling dispassionate about almost everything. Even God. Which honestly is the part that is scaring me most. I need Him. I need you. I need something, someone to lean on. But I've just been leaning on myself, & that just does not work. Can you watch out for me? Help me out? Lead me to the path I'm supposed to take? Also, if you could send me a nice guy that'd be swell. The depression comes & goes, ebbs & flows. I think it's trying to latch itself to me now that Fall is inching its way here. Help me, Grandpa. I feel so alone right now. I miss you, tell Aunt I say hi. Let her know how missed she is & how grateful I am to her.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

It's been almost half a year since I've written you ... I can't really believe it. So much has happened, so much has changed. I found out Isaac has a girl friend ... & it doesn't hurt, not even a little. Ian also has a girlfriend, however that is so out of relevance to me ... He wanted to tell me before it went on Facebook. He really is such a sweet guy. I'm so glad he found someone. Shaadiah is ... Not my best friend anymore. I still love her, but I have lost every ounce of respect for her. But how do you tell someone that? "Hey I know we've been best friends for 14 years but I'm sick of watching you ruin your life, so I have no respect for you." ... Grandpa, why does life have to be so complicated? I'm moving on with my life now. I've found an amazing apartment & the best roommates, all that's left is to finish applying & be accepted. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I completely forgot to mention! I have a puppy! I am having to give her back for a bit until I can save up the money for the pet deposit. It's going to break my heart. I feel so much better, Grandpa. I've decided I want to be a journalist before I become a teacher. It's something I've always thought about, but I just realized I could do that. I can be whoever & whatever I want to be. It's taken me far too long to realize that. Gran slipped on ice & hit her head a week ago. We think she's okay, but she's got a cold now ... I know dad blames himself. You raised a good son, Grandpa. I guess more recently I realized I'm a daddy's girl. We missed you for Christmas again, although there was no epic wrapping paper war. Honestly, Christmas was painfully awkward. Neither Uncle Steve, nor Gran said more than a few words to me & I could tell everyone was uncomfortable around me ... Which was fun. Luckily the kids wanted to watch movies, so I did. It was awesome. I miss you, Grandpa.
Love,
Me.