Dear Grandpa,

Life has gotten a lot better. Isaac & I are dating & I honestly can't remember being happier. I wish you could meet him. He's Catholic & charming & goofy & completely amazing. He's been a huge part of my life for so long & I always ... I was just going through my old journals & he's always in there. I just ... I'm very happy with him. The biggest issue is that he has an ex girlfriend who won't leave him alone. I've been in her shoes, & ... I'm just worried he'll choose her over me. It's making me crabby. He also lives pretty far away & it's hard for us to see each other because he works a lot. I wish he & I could spend more time together, because I really really really like him. I'm in like with him. I probably have been for a very long time. But I was right, if I saw him more often than once a year I'd like him. I really do & it's crazy. I'm sorry I'm so mumbled, I just ... I like him so much. I can't spend enough time with him. I want to be with him all the time. He is so warm. I am always cold, but around him, I am warm. He thinks it's because I'm embarrassed, but it's really because I'm not used to being so warm. I love it. The only problem is that without him, I feel cold all the time & I've been getting chills ... it may be best if we don't see each other too often ... that way I don't become too used to his heat. ;) Goodness I miss him & I saw him on Thursday ... Really grandpa, he is a wonderful person. He cares about me, which is enough. More than enough. I just don't know what to do if he chooses Lizzy (his ex) over me. I can't imagine losing him ... It scares me beyond reason. I'm not used to this grandpa. I haven't dated anyone since Isaac when we tried 3 years ago. He has been my first kiss since Logan also 3 years ago. I haven't let anyone into my life like this ever. My feelings were never this strong for Logan, nor for Michael, or Andy. He has me wrapped around his enormous fingers. I wish you were here to meet him, I know you'd like him. He's a goof just like you. ;) Give Grandpa Saponara a hug for me. Keep watching out for me & please guide Isaac & I's relationship. I miss & love you.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

I am in a better place today. I have this best friend named Shaadiah. She & I have been best friends since kindergarten & I don't know what I'd do without her. I kept running around in circles in my mind about Isaac & she made me realize that I'm over thinking it all. He doesn't text a lot, that's just who he is. He'd rather talk on the phone, but he can't do that a lot, so that is just how this is going. I know I sound all discombobulated, but that's because I'm listening to an artist & picking out the songs that would make me depressed. I've realized that if I listen to really sad, emotional songs, it makes me feel that way & I'm never a good person to be around when I listen to that, so I have to be careful. Today was a very good day. Shaadiah came over & we spent a lot of time together. The weather is wonderful. I feel so chipper when it's like this. It feels like spring, & it's only January! I know it's bad for the crops but ... I can't help loving it! It's out of my hands. Seasonal depression is such a dangerous thing. especially in Minnesota. Shaadiah is helping me to get out of my head so much. I can't over think things as much as I do, it's just not healthy. Which I know is true because of the way I've been feeling. My hands are always shaking & my stomach is always bubbling & my back has become a wall of knots. I'm on a new medication ... I've been avoiding this one because it has so many side effects. I hate it, especially because I've only taken half a pill & I'm already seeing side effects. It's really quite aggravating. Ugh. I'm also freaking out about the up coming deadline for my application to Creighton. It's the most intense one so far, & I am freaking out. I say a lot of stupid things when I'm nervous, Grandpa, & it's very embarrassing. I mean I have so much on my mind when I'm nervous, & all of a sudden things are rolling off my tongue that I never gave permission to come out. It's disconcerting. If you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to use bigger words, just to make myself appear to be more intelligent than I usually am perceived. I'm not sure it'll work, but it's worth a shot! I wish you were here, Grandpa. I'd be nice to hear you talk about how proud you are of me & to hear your jokes. I met my Great Uncle Louie whom I've been told is the most like you & it makes me even more eager to know you. But I will not be able to until we all meet in Heaven. I hope there is perpetual Springtime there. Always the damp smell of growing & melting. I adore it all. I wonder if Heaven is different for everyone. At times I think I would like that, but I would like there to be a place where everyone can meet & be together in one place. I am looking forward to Heaven, I only hope that I will be worthy of it. Could you help me with that, Grandpa? I miss you a lot & I hope the weather is nice where ever you are. Blow a kiss to Grandpa Saponara for me! I'll be looking for you in the wind & sky.
Love,
Me.

Dear Grandpa,

It's 2012 & you missed a wonderful Christmas get together. Gran made the best food & there was plenty laughter & conversation. Little Sarah is growing up & the second she saw me, she ran off to make me a card. It made my day. Derek is still a ball of aggressiveness, but he is a boy, so I'm not too troubled, though my hair doesn't enjoy being forced to swing a kindergartner. We had a lot of fun. Isaac has come back into my life as a romantic possibility & for a while I thought he held some promise. I went over to his house & spent 5 & a half hours with him. He is the most intoxicating guy in person, but over text message, he's absolutely pointless. I try not to like him too much but ... I'm having a lot of difficulty. I am just such an emotional being, that I really should be allowed to live. It's dangerous. Life has been a roller coaster since I last wrote. I may or may not have failed some of my classes, Lily is probably going to be put down soon, & I sometimes feel like my life is really trying to make me drown. I told Isaac I liked him New Years Day at midnight. He said he likes me too ... but it feels like he doesn't. Like I said, over text message, he is the worst over text message. I'd visit him everyday if I could, but he is always working & refuses to come over here. I don't know why. Gran's brother Don died New Years Eve. I wish you could be here to help her through it. The wake was today, we went. I didn't look at him, I was waiting for dad to take us all up, but he just took Anthony & Anna. I didn't feel right going up alone, especially when I can't remember the last time I saw him. Gran is a mess right now. We had dinner with her on New Years Day, & it was odd to see her so disoriented. Her nail polish was chipped, she was having trouble remembering everything, & she just seemed to be flustered. The food was delicious as usual. I've had the left overs for 2 nights in a row. It's so good. Great Uncle Don's funeral is tomorrow, & we're all going. I'm not looking forward to it, because I always cry when I see others cry. Anthony is freaking out right now again. It makes me feel like curling up into a ball & crying. I am reaching the end of my tolerance at this point. I need Isaac to be supportive. I need him to take care of me, not send me mixed messages. I want to be held Grandpa. You know what I want? I want to have someone worry about me. I want someone to hold me until I feel safe. I don't feel safe, I feel used. All the time I'm the one listening, I'm the one holding everyone else. I want to be taken care of. But girls like me don't get that. We get pushed to the side & left to do it on my own. None of them get the fact that when I push, I want someone to pull. I want someone to care enough to TRY. But I'm not that girl, & I'm beginning to think I may never be. All I can be is a toy. A stand in for the true love of his life. There is so much more to say, but mom wants the computer back. I wish I could feel you here with me, but during the winter, all I can feel is emptiness. I love & miss you more than I could ever say. Give Great Uncle Don a hug for me, & the same to Grandpa Saponara.
Love,
Me.