Why is life so hard? My world has been a vortex since the last time I wrote you ... I feel helpless Grandpa. I haven't seen Isaac in almost 3 weeks now & it's driving me crazy. I need him. I need to hold his hand, see his face, hear his voice. But all I hear is silence & I'm terrified that he's going to leave me. I keep telling myself that if he does, not to mourn it, to be thankful that we had the time we did but ... It'll kill me. I love him. I just SUCK at showing it, especially when I'm such a coward ... I need help Grandpa. I feel like I'm doing all of this on my own & I am so scared & tired. It's enough to make a girl go mad. I mean that. I walk into my house & it doesn't matter what kind of day I've had, all of a sudden I am angry & mean & rude & cruel. It scares me a little & it makes me so upset & ... it's hard to explain. I just need someone to take my yolk upon their shoulders & take me in their arms & hold me. That's all I really want at this point. Just to be taken care of. The craziest part about all of this, is that EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG HAS BEEN GOING WRONG!!! I AM DYING HERE!!! ... Sorry. I'm just ... falling apart. I need someone/something to hold on to. But it feels like there is nothing stable in my life anymore. I've been on the computer waiting for Isaac to get on the computer for 30 minutes now ... He's said nothing. I need him to meet me half way in order for this to work. I have put so much into this relationship. I bought a bus pass so that I can take the bus to him, I drive over there, I text him, I pray for him. I need him. I want him to just show up at my house just to see me, to send me texts just so I know he remembers I exist ... I need people to remind me they still care about me. Great. Isaac just went away. I can't help him if I don't know what's going on. Can you send me a sign, Grandpa? Just to let me know that hope is coming? I'm cold all the time now. I know it's because of Isaac ... I'm a mess. I stayed up late just to talk to him & ... this. I need him. ... No. I don't. I WANT him. But I don't NEED him. I can live without him ...It would just hurt. Damn. I'm crying. I've loved that boy for so long. SO long. Shaadiah tells me I'm not in love with him ... & maybe not, but this is different. I am connected to him in a way I can't explain. All I want is to be with him. That's all. Just to give him one last hug ... Oh goodness. It sounds like we've broken up ... But we haven't. Well, mom wants the computer, so I bid thee good night, Grandpa. Please hold me? I know I won't feel it, but I think deep down I might get some peace. Give Grandpa Saponara a hug & a kiss for me. I miss you.
Love,
Me.
