Dear Grandpa,

It's 2012 & you missed a wonderful Christmas get together. Gran made the best food & there was plenty laughter & conversation. Little Sarah is growing up & the second she saw me, she ran off to make me a card. It made my day. Derek is still a ball of aggressiveness, but he is a boy, so I'm not too troubled, though my hair doesn't enjoy being forced to swing a kindergartner. We had a lot of fun. Isaac has come back into my life as a romantic possibility & for a while I thought he held some promise. I went over to his house & spent 5 & a half hours with him. He is the most intoxicating guy in person, but over text message, he's absolutely pointless. I try not to like him too much but ... I'm having a lot of difficulty. I am just such an emotional being, that I really should be allowed to live. It's dangerous. Life has been a roller coaster since I last wrote. I may or may not have failed some of my classes, Lily is probably going to be put down soon, & I sometimes feel like my life is really trying to make me drown. I told Isaac I liked him New Years Day at midnight. He said he likes me too ... but it feels like he doesn't. Like I said, over text message, he is the worst over text message. I'd visit him everyday if I could, but he is always working & refuses to come over here. I don't know why. Gran's brother Don died New Years Eve. I wish you could be here to help her through it. The wake was today, we went. I didn't look at him, I was waiting for dad to take us all up, but he just took Anthony & Anna. I didn't feel right going up alone, especially when I can't remember the last time I saw him. Gran is a mess right now. We had dinner with her on New Years Day, & it was odd to see her so disoriented. Her nail polish was chipped, she was having trouble remembering everything, & she just seemed to be flustered. The food was delicious as usual. I've had the left overs for 2 nights in a row. It's so good. Great Uncle Don's funeral is tomorrow, & we're all going. I'm not looking forward to it, because I always cry when I see others cry. Anthony is freaking out right now again. It makes me feel like curling up into a ball & crying. I am reaching the end of my tolerance at this point. I need Isaac to be supportive. I need him to take care of me, not send me mixed messages. I want to be held Grandpa. You know what I want? I want to have someone worry about me. I want someone to hold me until I feel safe. I don't feel safe, I feel used. All the time I'm the one listening, I'm the one holding everyone else. I want to be taken care of. But girls like me don't get that. We get pushed to the side & left to do it on my own. None of them get the fact that when I push, I want someone to pull. I want someone to care enough to TRY. But I'm not that girl, & I'm beginning to think I may never be. All I can be is a toy. A stand in for the true love of his life. There is so much more to say, but mom wants the computer back. I wish I could feel you here with me, but during the winter, all I can feel is emptiness. I love & miss you more than I could ever say. Give Great Uncle Don a hug for me, & the same to Grandpa Saponara.
Love,
Me.