I wrote my good byes to my roommates tonight. I'm in a very dark place, Grandpa & I don't know what to do. I honest to goodness wish I were dead. I wish I could just disappear into the fabric of time & be forgotten. No one would miss me. Part of me feels as though I'd like to make someone mourn my loss, but most of me knows that no one would miss me. Not really. They'd miss the theory of me. I don't bring anything to the table. I'm not clever, I'm not pretty, I'm not supportive, I'm not rich, I'm not anything. I am worthless. Nothing I do will ever change who I really am. I've tried. & I've tried & I've tried some more but every step ahead I take ends up dumping me 15 steps behind. I'm so tired of being the last one people think of. I'm so tired of fighting to be heard. I'm so tired of existing. It's so fucking exhausting, Grandpa. I just constantly let everyone down. Time & time again I am the thorn in each & every person's side. I say the wrong things, I am not supportive enough. I never know what to do or how to act. I'm constantly fucking up everything & I just can't keep doing it. I just can't. I wish I could. I wish I could believe in a better tomorrow but I can't. I've been working for a better tomorrow for the past 5 years & I'm in the EXACT SAME PLACE. I haven't moved, not one inch. I haven't grown, I haven't changed, I haven't learned. I am stagnant. So, why bother continuing this cycle? Why not break it the only way that works? He doesn't love me, Grandpa. & I know you're shouting, "There's someone else out there for you! He's just some boy!" But Grandpa, I am not good enough for someone else. I don't WANT anyone else. I want him. I love him. It's driving me insane. He's going to die, Grandpa. He's going to die & he has cut me out of his life & there is nothing I can do. Not a damn thing. I can't reach out, because he needs space, but I can't just sit here because I'll go insane. So why not just disappear? Why not just buck up & leave this planet behind me? I've already written the letters. Except his. Because what could I possibly say? I love you? 1,000,000 times? I'm sorry, please don't blame yourself, life without you just wasn't worth it? Maybe if I had LITERALLY ANYTHING going for me I would have been able to fight, but it's all gone now? I have nothing to fight for. My roommates don't want or need me, my family doesn't respect me, & the man I love is chasing after another girl. The girl who breaks him the exact same way he breaks me. I have nothing to fight for, Grandpa. I just want the silence. I just want the end. I just wish I had the balls to fucking do it. I have no faith, I have no strength, I have nothing. I am filth. I am hollow. I am nothing.
Love,
Me.
