Dear Grandpa,

It's been almost exactly a week since Isaac & I broke up. I ... I sobbed everyday for 5 days & ... then I figured out that if I just keep myself busy, I won't feel it. So that's what I've been doing. Pretending everything is fine. That's the best part of being a commuter freshmen in college. No one knows you. No one can look at your face & know right away that all you want to do is curl up & die. So I can trick the world & myself that I'm going to be fine. I'm working out almost everyday, I'm trying to stop swearing, trying to stop picking my arms & legs until they bleed. I'm going to be a better person for him, even if he never comes back. I'm focused so that if history does repeat itself (which I'm praying will happen) then I will be ready to MAKE it work between he & I again. Because, I'm not angry at him. People fall out of love. I won't deny I thought he meant it when he said he'd want me forever but ... He can't control that. He really can't. All I know is that he lost his passion for us & ... that's about it. Wow, I was able to type that without tearing up ... My distractions must not have worn out yet. Which is good. But I think tomorrow I need to meditate. Because, Grandpa everyday I wake up & I still fill over to find my phone to see if he texted me. When I mumble to myself, I still call him my boyfriend. EVERYTHING reminds him of me. I went to go take care of Abbey's pets & just being in that house reminded me of when I was taking care of Lauren & I stayed up really late just to talk with him. Or when I teased him about how Mittens & Sammy were going to keep me forever ... I make references to movies I watched with him, I say things he says & ... I can't keep pretending. I can't be in denial about it, Grandpa. But I am. Isaac doesn't love me anymore, but I love him still. I'm going to wait for him. Honestly, there is NO ONE else for me. NO ONE. I've tried looking at other boys & all I think is, "I miss Isaac's smile.". A guy tried to talk to me on the bus today, I fell asleep. I'm losing weight & beginning to feel good about myself, but I don't want anyone other than Isaac. I guess this is what happens when you get spoiled ... Nothing else is ever good enough ... You know, he used to tell me we should elope. He made all these plans, for Spring break, for where we were going to live, how many kids we were going to have, & the list goes on & on. But what if he just wanted someone. Not me, but someone. Grandpa, he cried when he & Lizzy broke up. He just didn't even care when we did. Emotionless. That's the hardest part, knowing that he just didn't care. It didn't matter. That & having the feeling that I may never see him again ... It hurts. There, now I'm feeling something. IT HURTS! It hurts so badly, Grandpa & I have no one to lean on. No one. Mom & dad have been fighting again, talking about divorce & all such things & ... I have to be there for Anna & Anthony. Anna called me when I was at a school meeting because she was scared. This isn't right. Well, you know what they say, when it rains it pours. I am glad for one thing. That Isaac got out while he still could. He dodged a bullet a week ago. I don't even care about the promises he made that he never kept. I really don't. Because there were too many times to count that he made plans & I had to cancel. It takes 2 to tango. We just never got into a groove because life would happen. He gave up, & I can't blame him for that. So here we are, seasonal depression looming over my head & once again, in the times that I need someone the most I am alone. But still your presence blows over me in the wind, reminding me that I'm going to be okay. In fact, I've found some pretty great songs as of late.
I don't know anything anymore, Grandpa. Nothing but one single fact. I love him. I have loved him for 4 years. I maybe didn't realize it fully until a few months ago, but I know I did. I just couldn't admit it to myself. So that's what I will carry with me everyday. The same day we broke up, my dad gave me a hand carved frog necklace. His name is Love, to remind me that love is a beautiful. I have no regrets. Isaac still has my heart in his hands, he just doesn't know it ... & neither does my heart yet. But don't worry, I'll feel it when the sun disappears & loses its warmth, when I wish I had someone's hand to hold. Always is such a short time in this situation, Grandpa. But I will pick up his promise & hold it in my hands & prove that I will always love him. It doesn't matter if I find someone else, because Isaac is my first love & you never forget your first love. I will forever hold the memory of being held in his arms, the feeling of coming home at last.
I miss you, Grandpa. Gran said she felt your presence at the Grand Canyon. I'm adding that to the list of dreams I have. To go there & talk with you. I love you. Please give me strength to keep going. Please.
Love,
Me.