"Life is the messy bits." What a brilliant quote. How perfectly it fits everything into a nice little bow. I'm drowning Grandpa, & all I want is for you to bring me up to heaven with you so that I can have an end to the pain & stress & messiness of it all. I wish you were here to joke around & distract me from the ridiculous life I am living right now. I feel so ugly & stupid all the time & no one is giving me any encouragement that MEANS anything to me. Ugh. What's it like Grandpa, to be done with all of this & to watch from the other side? Is it peaceful, or sorrowful? Do you ever wish you could trade places with someone, or want to come back to share moments with us? Is it like watching animals at the zoo? My head is spinning. I can't see straight & it's terrifying. I have never felt this out of control with my life. Never. It's as if I am not awake, like my world has been tipped upside down & my body refuses to flip as well. I want to die. I wouldn't kill myself, but I'd like to get cancer, or a tumor & to have a doctor look at me & say I only have a month to live. Me instead of someone else, instead of the girl who has never been to prom, or a woman who has 5 children who need her. No one needs me. There is nothing that I feel like I'd miss. I go to rehearsal & I feel like a million bucks, but I leave & it all falls to shit again & I'm so sick of it. I am in so much pain all the time & there's nothing I or anyone else can do. I go to the emergency room & what they do there doesn't even help. There's only so much a friend can do for me, until they too hit a wall & it's up to me. But what can I do? I've tried being healthy, sleeping often, eating right, working out, taking care of myself but it doesn't help. It doesn't do anything but make me want to give up hope. I can't afford to be like this. I can't. I don't have the time, I don't have enough left in me to do anything else but curl up & wait to die. I'm only 17 Grandpa, why is this happening to me? I feel so guilty because there are people who are suffering even more, who know that they only have a few weeks left to live, & they're trying to live it to the fullest, & I have my whole life ahead of me. But at least they know what's wrong, at least they know that at some point this is all going to end. I just want ... I don't know what I want, but I want something. Sorry for being such a downer Grandpa. I wish you were here.
Love,
Me.
