Long time no chat. Tomorrow will be 13 weeks since Isaac & I broke up ... Time flies when you're in Hell right? Sorry, no I'm not in Hell, my life has actually been pretty fantastic for the past few days ... It's just until I have to do my homework or deal with business-y things that I fall into this helpless state. I still miss Isaac, though that's no surprise. I wasn't expecting anything different, to be honest, I was expecting worse. I sit here, Grandpa, & I both love & hate him. I can't help but feel used. I've been talking with my friends & the more we talk about it, the more it seems like Isaac was just physically attracted to me. At some point in our relationship he changed into a pig. It makes my blood boil to think that he did all the things he did with me when he KNEW he was falling out of love with me. You don't just "lose passion" over night. It takes months. He used me. It makes me sick. So I miss the boy he was a year ago. The boy who kissed me behind the curtains while popping his secret drug pop corn. The boy who I could just talk with for hours on end about nothing in particular. The boy who made me believe he was innocent. The boy who made me feel so special & so beautiful. Now he's just another ass hole who just wanted a hot girl on his arm. It just makes my blood boil. Luckily for me, now that he's not in my life, I'm no longer hormonally frustrated. It's pretty hilarious to be honest. I was only hormonal when I was with him ... So I really must thank him for this whole deal. I feel so right again. I felt so sick & disgusting when I felt that way, I even stopped being the most innocent one in my group of friends! ... Well college fixed that one pretty quickly ... Sarah is one active college girl now. She broke up with her boyfriend and already has a new one ... I was/am pretty ticked with her because she broke Martti's heart ... & didn't even feel anything ... Probably because it's exactly what Isaac did to me ... ALSO she only talked to me when she needed advice or a shoulder to cry on ... I even asked her to tell me about her date and she said she'd text when it was over ... I never heard back. GAH! WHY DO PEOPLE CHANGE SO MUCH?!?!? I hardly change at all ... Oh well, guess that's what I get for being consistent ... Well ... Okay, I'm not consistent, but I am who I am, so I am consistently inconsistent ... That sums me up pretty well actually ... ANYWAYS. I HAD been a flirt a few days ago ... 2 different guys too! One is Martti, Sarah's ex & Ian, a boy I've had feelings for off and on for a few years now ... I DON'T KNOW!!! I've already decided that Martti & I will always be friends. Always. I cannot/will not do a long distance relationship. ESPECIALLY across oceans ... I just can't do that ... As for Ian, goodness knows what will come of this. We have a cooking adventure to plan for this break sooo ... What happens will happen. I can't help but feel stuck, Grandpa, because I am so upset with Isaac but ... I love him. Also all this anger is based on speculation so I can't really be that deeply upset with him ... I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT HAPPENED!!! He should have told me. He should have been open & honest with me the second he felt it slipping away ... But he wasn't. He told me he loved me a week before we ended it. I can't really say that he broke up with me, because he didn't have the balls to actually say it. I had to say it. How horrible can you be?!? THAT is a solid argument I have against him. Oh goodness, it's almost 12 & I have finals & final projects & papers to finish ... BUT after tomorrow I am done until February sooo ... Yay? I'm sorry, this had less to do with you & more to do with me but I had to get this out. I write Isaac letters but I just haven't had time recently and I'm sure my friends are sick of hearing me talk about Isaac. It's been 3 months for goodness sake, I shouldn't still have all this pent up anger about it but I rarely ever talk in a day. I cannot wait to get this stuff off my chest & FEEL things again. I feel all alone in this sea of things I have to get done & I haven't even been able to feel you or God in my life for weeks now. I need that to change now or else I will honestly lose my mind. I love you, Grandpa. Please watch over me in the next 24 hours and help me to type quickly & to do well on every task I take on. Thank you for all my blessings as well. I'll talk about those tomorrow. I miss you.
Love,
Me.
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