Everyone thinks they know what's best for me. They always have advice for me, telling me how I should live my life. I love to hear what they have to say when I'm not sure what to do, but when I know what I want, I'm not going to listen. Sorry Grandpa, I just really needed to say that. Boys suck. They play with your heart & your mind & just when you let them in, they kick the shit out of you. Were you like that? Did you have too many problems to exist? I wish Alex would do something. I wish I didn't sit here pretending that a guy likes me when he really doesn't. But I know Alex won't do anything before the end of the show & I'll probably never see him again & ... yeah. I wish he would just grab me & hold me. I wish someone would hold me. I'm sorry Grandpa, you probably don't want to hear about all my crazy hormones, but ... My other blog is too public now & I just need someone to talk to. Someone who isn't going to lie to me or even say anything at all. Although I'd much rather have you here to actually talk to. I think I may shut off my phone & not go on Facebook all weekend just to meditate on life & relationships & such. Goodness I think I could really like Alex. He's a guy in my show ... He's 20 but ... He's wonderful. I'm not even sure how, but he is. Oh hormones. I hope you've met Bernie. She died last weekend. I couldn't go to the funeral. It's rather sad, but it really doesn't feel real to me. Most things don't feel real to me right now. I'm so tired & dead feeling. I just know that after 2.5 years of being single, I want a boyfriend. I want someone to care & make me feel special. But I have been this way for so long, I doubt it's going to change anytime soon. Oh well. Take care of me Grandpa. I miss you more than I can even imagine.
Love,
Me.
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