Dear Grandpa,

I'm dating again ... I cannot begin to express how terrified I am ... I guess the biggest thing is I'm afraid of hurting him. His name is Ian. He is one of the most talented instrumentalists I know, he plays the saxophone. I've had a crush on him since middle school ... But of course then I met Isaac & the rest is history. It's almost been a year since Isaac & I had started dating ... making it 4 months since we broke up ... I miss him, Grandpa. I love him so damn much it kills me. It's easy to be mad, & I still am, but underneath all this anger is the love I still have for him, the love I'm afraid I'll ALWAYS have. I've been close to tears all day about him. & that's why I'm worried about Ian. Because I like Ian, of course I do or I wouldn't be dating him, but I'm just not ready for a relationship. On our last date-ish thing, he kissed me ... Then & there I knew it was too soon for that. He knows but ... I'm scared he's falling for me & I'm ... well, you have to be up in order to fall & I'm still on my knees. I can still feel the way I felt for Isaac, our first kiss, so innocent, so surprising, so adorable. I still remember sitting with him on his couch just talking & laughing. What if I can't have that with Ian? Goodness now I'm crying ... Okay, just a moment of madness. Why can't it be spring, Grandpa? Why can't it be warm & bright? I want to put on my dresses & run about & soak up the sun's rays. I want to go biking, I want to run, I want to just write how I feel with my chalks on the pavement. I want to feel GOOD about myself again. I'm failing all of my New Year's Resolutions & I feel like I'm just another delusional human who makes goals & never meets them. Grandpa, give me strength. I am such a wreck. GAH!!! I love you, Grandpa. The anniversary of your death is coming soon & I cannot wait to visit your grave. I cannot wait to pray with you, & to leave you flowers. I love you, Grandpa.
Love,
-Me.