I'm scared. I'm lost. I feel like every step I take forward, I fall back 10,000,000 more steps. Any hope I get is quickly trampled on. I know it's my fault. I know I am failing at getting my life together & at being a good person. I have no excuses. Not a one. Grandpa, I am a horrible person. I don't like who I am becoming. I take no responsibility for anything. I am a failure. I could be so much better but I sabotage myself. What can I do? What can I do, Grandpa? Every step I want to take forward I seem to convince myself to not take. Help me. Won't anyone help me? I am drowning & I am too ashamed to ask for help. I am weak. So. Weak. I have a ridiculous crush on a man who is 12 years older than I am. A man who does not share my beliefs. A man who can make me smile for no reason. It's not the worst thing that could happen, but it is torturous to know that nothing will ever happen, nor could it. I am in way over my head on every level. I have no one to blame but myself. God can lead me to the water, but I have to drink. I just have to drink. Why will I not drink? Grandpa, please. I need help. Help me to accept myself & my life. I just want to be okay. That's all I want. Will you help me be okay? I'm in this alone. I miss you. We're going to celebrate Grandpa S.'s 20th Anniversary & we did nothing for yours. I'm sorry. I love you.
Love,
Me.
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