The self loathing is back. Grandpa, I just sit here & I HATE myself. I hate the weight I've gained, I hate that I can't seem to do ANYTHING about it. I hate my fear, I hate my work performance, I hate me. I just HATE MYSELF. Did you ever feel that way? Like you could never do anything right? I just want to be a good person. I just want to balance work & school & exercise & food & faith & all of that. I just want to be amazing. I want to emerge from the wreckage that is my life & be this transformed amazing person. It's all I've ever wanted. I WANT THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE! But I can't help myself, & thus no one can. Even God can't help me if I can't find it in myself to even feel him. I don't even feel YOU. I don't feel anything. Can you imagine how terrifying it is to feel nothing but hatred for yourself. It's all I do, Grandpa. All I do. This CANNOT be healthy. Send help, please.
Love,
Me.
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